Learning and Leading in Ministry: Chapter Six

Differential Reciprocity.

Learn diversity.

The paper-thin walls between examination rooms let me hear my doctor talking to a patient in the adjoining room. I couldn’t make out his words, but I recognized his voice. I didn’t have a clue about the identity of the patient. Only one thing concerned me—I wanted the doc to wrap it up over there and come over to take care of me. In my book, I was the most important person on his schedule that day. If you were to talk to him, however, he might have seen everything from a different perspective. Perhaps he categorized my case (the removal of a small mole from my face) as pretty insignificant. He may have seen my appointment as the reason he couldn’t keep his tee time or his early lunch. I might have even been an expendable patient on his agenda, earmarked for cancellation if his patient load demanded it. It was clearly a case of differential reciprocity.

Pardon the big words, but they are necessary to make the point. People do not see the leader the same way the leader sees them. Therefore, followers will not reciprocate with the same mindset, motive or quality of effort. All of us have a private observation window from which we observe the vicissitudes of life. Thus, people tend to view their leaders from their own personal, one-dimensional paradigm. Just as patients like me have little concern for their doctor’s other patients, followers may not care much about the full load their leader carries. If you, as a leader, expect people to give you back exactly what you give to them—-and for the same reasons—-you will live in a state of constant irritation and disappointment.

Two friends of Jesus, Mary and Martha, illustrate this point. Jesus and his disciples were in Martha’s home to be refreshed after a difficult day dealing with the Pharisees. Her sister, Mary, was there, perhaps asked by Martha to come over and help with her house guests. Instead of helping, Mary sat at the feet of Jesus, enthralled with his ministry. Martha, on the other hand, was the consummate workaholic servant. Stressed out over her chores, she frantically raced around trying to get everything done for the event. It galled her that her doting sister, Mary, wouldn’t turn a hand to help her. Finally, she complained to Jesus.

“Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:40-42 NIV.)

Both sisters responded to Jesus in a very different manner, even though the context was the same for each. Mary appreciated the spirituality of the Master, but Martha was concerned about taking care of his physical needs and those of the other guests. Jesus’ gentle rebuke of Martha was not to invalidate her job but to prioritize it according to his agenda.

This scenario should become a hallmark principle for leaders. Followers, caught up in personal bias, narrowly defined commitment or selfish agendas, will reciprocate differentially to identical appeals put forth by the leader. If they are not careful, leaders can be pulled and bounced around by the priorities of others and allow their own leadership plan to become unraveled. Try as you might, you cannot nor should you meet the expectations of every individual follower, and you certainly cannot make it all happen at once. If you think you can, you will fail to lead. Your job as a leader does not require you to conform to your followers’ agenda but to persuade them to follow yours.