Treat Me Special!

Hey! I’m talking to you.  Yes, you, bright guy. You need to know something about me. I know you expect everybody to play by the rules and do what they are supposed to do. But, I’m different, you see. I’m just one of those people who does things differently. You need to treat me in a special way.

Take bills, for example. I just don’t pay my bills on time. You got a problem with that?  One of those things, you know? Other people need rules, deadlines, penalties and punishment for violation. Gotta keep the peons in line, you know. It must be in their nature. Not me.

I don’t need to drive within dotted lines, use turn signals or stay in one lane. I don’t need to sign on dotted lines or initial every place you want me to. For that matter, don’t look for me to go to the back of the line, get work done on time, show passes, apply for licenses, get permission or make reservations. Granted, you have to make everybody else do these mundane things. I know we would have total chaos if they didn’t. I’m not stupid, you know. But all that stuff is for them, not me.

I really don’t have to be on time for my appointments. Other people may let the clock run their lives, but I’m not built that way. It’s stupid to impose something as insignificant as a minute or second hand to control me. Sometimes, though, I do need to get into an office or store before opening time. And other times I need to get in after closing time. Be there to unlock and lock the door for me. It’s because I’m special, you know.

When it comes to grades on tests, evaluations or appraisals, you cannot possibly hold me to the same standards to which you hold others. Regardless of how I may have answered any particular question, my value of just being me is far more important than that. Just give me a good grade.

Don’t even think about holding me to personal commitments either, like in engagements or marriage vows. I’m a free spirit. It might be my good looks and charm that makes me so lovable, so irresistible. I really think it’s because I love everybody so much that I can’t be held to loving just one person. On the other hand, you’d better be there for me. I don’t like to be two-timed or double-crossed. That’s for me to do, not you.

Hey!  You’re mouth is hanging open.  Was it something I said?  Look, it’s not all that complicated. I’m just special. Period. Pardon me for being blunt, but my time is more valuable, work is more important and my opinion means more than others. You have to make special allowances for me.

I know you may not like this. But I figure you are just jealous, or scared, or stupid. It doesn’t really matter to me what your problem is. Actually, it’s a good thing that I don’t care. If I did, I may have to do something about it that may not feel good to you.

What? You still won’t believe me? Okay. Be that way. There’s a new guard on second shift. Maybe he’ll understand.