Conspiracy in the Grammar Class

Sifting through the cold evidence of a crime committed twenty years ago wasn’t easy. Yet, when all the pieces came together, I knew I was on to something. I had been victimized by an insensitive system of grammar instructors. Now, as I look back at the outrage, I weep over the many years of emptiness, confusion and heartache that these cruel masters of the English language cause for me.

The heinous crime I am talking about involves nouns and verbs. As every poor, warped pawn of the system knows, a noun is a person, place or thing. A verb is not a person, place or thing. It is an action done by, for, with, through, over, under (and so on) a person place or thing. Pity, pity the dumb cluck of a student who should ever get these confused. When it comes to adjectives, adverbs, prepositions, conjunctions and other parts of speech, a little confusion was expected. But, never, never mix a noun with a verb.

Even when I was released from the confining chambers of my brainwashers, the ruts they had worn deeply into my mind could not be easily shaken. Gradually, however, after years of struggling with the whole business, I overcame my paranoia. I realized that these teachers were not gods. I felt a new confidence building in my mind. I dared to take another look at these so-called sacred tenets of the grammarian’s faith. I paused long at these nouns and verbs, scrutinizing, studying, and prying into them until I stumbled onto a plot to hide the real truth from me and millions of others. Only relentless research has uncovered this truth.

The truth is simply this: you and I are not nouns! We are rightfully, by the design of our Creator, unequivocally verbs in the most marvelous, active and fullest sense of the word! A noun may be a place or thing, this much I will concede. But a person? Never! I cannot think of a more degrading and insulting concept than to consider a person as a mere noun.

As long as I thought of myself as a noun, I was on par with some dumb statue, or even a fencepost. Things happen to nouns. As a noun, I could be victimized by some outside force. I was helplessly caught up in the huge washing machine of life where great paddles battered me around, plunging me at will beneath the waves, flattening me against the wall on the spin cycles, and leaving me limp and wilted. What could I do? I was just a noun.

Now that I know that I am a verb instead of a noun, my self-respect has soared a thousand percent! I now understand that things don’t just happen to me. I happen to things! Whenever I walk into a room, there is a noticeable impact on other people. They feel my spirit, my personality and my attitude. I bring something to their lives.

I am the verb that acts on people, places and things. I don’t just sit helplessly by and wait for something to happen. I become the happening. I become the event. In don’t find success in my job, I bring success to my job. I don’t find worship in my church; I bring worship to my church. I don’t try to get happiness out of my marriage; I bring happiness to my marriage. I don’t try to get my children to love and respect me, I bring love and respect to them.

John said, “God is love.” You say that love is a noun. I say you’re crazy. You show me a neat little package of love that can be defined, boxed and shelved, and I’ll show you something that has lost its definition. God’s love is a verb. It acts. It moves. It grows, fills, touches, heals, lifts, saves and delivers. “If the salt has lost its savor, wherewith shall it be salted?”

Jesus likened the Holy Ghost to the wind. “The wind bloweth where it listeth and thou hearest the sound thereof but canst not tell whither it cometh nor wither it goeth. So is everyone that is born of the Spirit.” John 3:8. He was not talking about the wind in the sense of a noun, but a verb. The Holy Ghost was to be an event, a happening that would affect a profound change in the life of the believer.

Are you still a noun? Do you just sit around and wait for things to happen to you? Do you think good or bad grades in school are merely given to you by a teacher? Do you think your home atmosphere is just something controlled by Dad, or Mom, or brother or sister? Do you think powerful services in church are just up to the preacher or the choir director? If so, take your place beside all the other statues on the shelf or by all the other fence posts along the roadside.

But if you decide you are a verb, you have an unlimited future ahead of you. You will make things happen. If you look hard enough, you will find that God has put handles on all the circumstances of life. Verbs take hold of the handles. Verbs take charge of the situations. Verbs bring something to every relationship, every challenge. After all, life really is what you make it. Nouns may look good, but they are powerless to act. Verbs are where the action is!

Make the change. Transform yourself from a noun into a verb. Now, I doubt that you will pass your grammar test if you start calling nouns verbs, but once you escape the oppressive clutches of your tutors, you can be free to get it right. You can do it. The world is waiting.

(I wrote this piece many years ago. I just came across it and thought you might like to read it. JMJ)

Questions You Love to Hate

“You did keep the receipt, didn’t you?”
“Did you turn off the stove?”
“The expiration date on that hamburger meat was good, wasn’t it?”
“My insurance will cover this flood, won’t it?”
“You did ask him which kidney he was going to remove, didn’t you?”
“You did get your flu shot, didn’t you?”
“Did you shut the upstairs windows?”
“Did you get my check out of my pocket before you washed my pants?”
“Did you remember to let the dog out yesterday?”
“Quick, do you have an air sickness bag?”
“Now, where did I put that hunting license?”
“Did you pack the phone charger?”
“Did I tell you that mother was coming?”
“You can wait until the next rest area, can’t you?”
“Why is the cover standing open on the gas tank?”
“You paid that insurance bill, didn’t you?”
“What? Don’t you trust me?”
“You do know where this place is, don’t you?”
“What time did you say the wedding was?”
“Did you just call me by your old girlfriend’s name?”
“This isn’t the pair of pants with the rip in the back, is it?”
“Was that wet paint?”
“Think you can beat that red light?”
“Was that a cop back there?”
“Did you put the vehicle registration in the glove compartment?”
“Didn’t they tell you I had lactose intolerance?”
“Do I look like I am a people person?”
“That camera wasn’t recording just then, was it?”

Back to School

Random thoughts about fall’s “back to school” ritual:

Did I ever tell you how far we had to walk to school?
Let’s pray together every day before you rush out the door.
God’s going to have to provide this tuition money.
This year you’re making your own lunch.
The kids who shouted for glee when school let out actually want to go back?
The old clichés about the “summer flying by” start flying by.
And more clichés about kids outgrowing last years clothes.
Sticker shock at the price of those awful new clothes.
Are you actually going to wear those shoes to school?
Don’t tell me that’s the new hair style?
Who’s gone; who’s back; who’s changed?
Why do you wait until we’re halfway there to tell me you forgot your homework?
Have you seen the new teacher?
The principal is just like he was last year.
No, they’re not serving taco boats every week.
Corporal punishment is not a military officer.
What’s this new fee all about?
Now this year, you’re going to hit the books hard!
No wonder…it’s all that sugar for breakfast.
I want you on the honor roll every quarter.
Do you expect anyone to read that chicken-scratching?
Shall we let Junior drive the car to school?
I don’t want you sitting next to you-know-who!
It’s time you earned a few more of those trophies.
In bed by nine every school night. Okay, ten.
Would you believe they just started construction on this road?
If you get in trouble at school…
You’re developing character when the teacher picks on you.
Let’s pray again for God to provide that tuition money.
Last year’s lunch box is perfectly fine.
The new kid said what in chapel service?
What happened to those 579 pencils we bought you last year?
If you stay home because of that, I’m not writing an excuse for you.
Tell the principal, “No more snow days!”
I don’t care if we are late; I have to stop and get gasoline.
If everyone jumped off the cliff does that mean you have to do the same?
No, you can’t go out to eat Sunday night.
Yeah, I think we can cram one more kid into the car.
Next time you get a detention, you’re walking home.
How did you do that to your brand new pair of pants?
Did I mention that God was going to have to provide money for tuition?

Bits of Wisdom

You’ve heard of Murphy’s Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:

Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Beach’s Law - Identical parts aren’t.
Anthony’s Law of the Workshop - Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
Tussman’s Law - Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Lowery’s Law - If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Peer’s Law - The solution to a problem changes the problem.
William’s Law - There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Handy Guide to Modern Science: If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s Biology. If it stinks, it’s Chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.
IBM’s Pollyanna Principle - Machines should work. People should think.
The Dilbert Principle - The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
Ehrlich’s Law - The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Ralph’s Observation - It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
Cannon’s Comment - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Cole’s Law - Thinly sliced cabbage.
The Law of Reality - Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Avoiding Oversell - When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
Law of Physical Displacement - Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.
Legal Rights - Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Law of Probable Dispersal - Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Treat Me Special!

Hey! I’m talking to you.  Yes, you, bright guy. You need to know something about me. I know you expect everybody to play by the rules and do what they are supposed to do. But, I’m different, you see. I’m just one of those people who does things differently. You need to treat me in a special way.

Take bills, for example. I just don’t pay my bills on time. You got a problem with that?  One of those things, you know? Other people need rules, deadlines, penalties and punishment for violation. Gotta keep the peons in line, you know. It must be in their nature. Not me.

I don’t need to drive within dotted lines, use turn signals or stay in one lane. I don’t need to sign on dotted lines or initial every place you want me to. For that matter, don’t look for me to go to the back of the line, get work done on time, show passes, apply for licenses, get permission or make reservations. Granted, you have to make everybody else do these mundane things. I know we would have total chaos if they didn’t. I’m not stupid, you know. But all that stuff is for them, not me.

I really don’t have to be on time for my appointments. Other people may let the clock run their lives, but I’m not built that way. It’s stupid to impose something as insignificant as a minute or second hand to control me. Sometimes, though, I do need to get into an office or store before opening time. And other times I need to get in after closing time. Be there to unlock and lock the door for me. It’s because I’m special, you know.

When it comes to grades on tests, evaluations or appraisals, you cannot possibly hold me to the same standards to which you hold others. Regardless of how I may have answered any particular question, my value of just being me is far more important than that. Just give me a good grade.

Don’t even think about holding me to personal commitments either, like in engagements or marriage vows. I’m a free spirit. It might be my good looks and charm that makes me so lovable, so irresistible. I really think it’s because I love everybody so much that I can’t be held to loving just one person. On the other hand, you’d better be there for me. I don’t like to be two-timed or double-crossed. That’s for me to do, not you.

Hey!  You’re mouth is hanging open.  Was it something I said?  Look, it’s not all that complicated. I’m just special. Period. Pardon me for being blunt, but my time is more valuable, work is more important and my opinion means more than others. You have to make special allowances for me.

I know you may not like this. But I figure you are just jealous, or scared, or stupid. It doesn’t really matter to me what your problem is. Actually, it’s a good thing that I don’t care. If I did, I may have to do something about it that may not feel good to you.

What? You still won’t believe me? Okay. Be that way. There’s a new guard on second shift. Maybe he’ll understand.

Christians Now Expected to Act Like Christians

In a shocking bit of news yesterday, several people were told that they “actually had to practice Christianity.” The incident occurred when some residents of the community who call themselves Christians encountered a series of outbursts from hecklers and church dissidents in a local restaurant. According to witnesses, the verbal assault included name-calling, accusations of wrong-doing, some mild cursing and threats. Minor scuffling evidently took place, consisting mainly of pushing and shoving. Some thought that one or two punches were thrown, but that could not be confirmed.

It is not certain at this time what initially provoked the confrontation. Some reports say that poor service the church group allegedly received led them to berate the servers and shift manager. Others believe that a dispute over the bill caused the scene to erupt. The remark that they ought to “practice Christianity” came from one of the police officers dispatched to the scene. The officer who claims to be somewhat of a “Bible buff” quoted several scriptures in attempting to calm down the combatants. His efforts met with vocal opposition from the church members. They openly scorned his taking the role of a preacher.

“It’s outrageous,” one of the Christians said later, in an interview. “Who does he think he is, anyway? We’ve never had to really do this ‘Christian’ thing in real life. We’re sick of this stereotype we have that, you know, we have to take whatever is dished out and, you know, ‘turn the other cheek’ and stuff like that. Well, I’ll turn another cheek alright, but it won’t be my cheek. I’ll turn his cheek black and blue if I get a chance.” The man, who declined to give out his name, was clearly agitated, pacing back and forth in front of the restaurant and repeatedly smacking his fists into his hands. An unconfirmed report was that he was one of the leading members.

“Right,” said a lady who was another member of the church and also spoke anonymously. “Our parents and grandparents were Christians all their lives and they never had to act like one. All of a sudden, here in the twenty-first century, we get this dumped on us. It is offensive, bigoted, prejudiced and motivated by hate.”

Several other church members declined to be interviewed, but threw out statements loudly enough to be overheard. “Just because we’re Christians doesn’t mean we have to take this junk,” one said. “Yeah, what about Christian’s rights?” another yelled. Some began to chant, “Justice now,” but the cries did not catch on.

Bystanders who saw the blowup develop seemed to be genuinely confused. One man told this reporter, “I don’t get it. What about all this love and forgiveness that they talk up in their churches? They ought to be the ones showing the world how to react with peace and orderliness in situations like this. Instead, they’re acting like prima donnas, like the world owes them some kind of special treatment.”

The small crowd that had gathered at the place of business gradually dispersed peacefully to their cars and left. No charges were filed pending investigation. The owners of the restaurant may still take legal action but they were not sure how or when to proceed. No word yet from the author of the Bible on his opinion.

Governmentium (Gv )

On the scientific front, research scientists have discovered a new pervasive element in the periodic table: governmentium (Gv). It possesses unusual properties which make it markedly different from other elements. They say it is the heaviest element known to science, and its greatest concentration seems to be the geographical area of Washington D. C., although many states have detected pockets of the element near the center of each state.

Governmentium consists of one neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, held together by a force called morons, and surrounded by vast quantities of peons. It has a somewhat unstable nature and tends to grow heavier in two, four and six year cycles, mysteriously coinciding with U. S. Congressional, Presidential and Senatorial elections. Some researchers have expressed concern that governmentium could develop into a menace to society, but their fears have been largely denied by those who work with it on a daily basis and who have charged its detractors with engaging in science fiction scare tactics reminiscent of the “Star Wars” fiasco. Presently, the main use for Gv involves the manufacture of sedatives and hallucinogens, although it has been know to incite amphetamine, deoxyephedrine, and methamphetamine type responses. Consumers cite feelings of pleasure, inability to work, a sense of irresponsibility and other sensations that relieve the stress and anxiety typical of normal, productive individuals.

Still, dubious scientists point to other areas of the earth where governmentium has been found in abundance and has caused problems. They say that the former U. S. S. R. suffered from an overdose of the element in its various forms and caused a major deterioration of the infrastructure of the now defunct empire. Supporters, on the other hand, claim that the failure of those pilot programs were the result of defective manufacturing and faulty application. They say that governmentium, if used correctly, can be the panacea for all human problems. Cuba , Venezuela , and the People’s Republic of China stand out as showcases of the drug’s success, according to backers.

The side effects of Gv consumption include amnesia, euphoria, loss of balance, loss of finance, inability to concentrate, incoherence, inability to speak freely, inability to defend oneself, difficulty in reading, difficulty in parenting, and other forms of personal and social impairment. The element has a strong predisposition to abuse.  Studies show that it is highly addictive and has been linked to various forms of dementia. Extended use can lead to becoming partially or totally institutionalized.

At the present, few guidelines have been set up to regulate the production and use of the new element. The only regulations written and enforced concerning governmentium are by government bureaucrats. Skeptics charge that the control must be placed back in the hands of the public, but, at this point, the move seems unlikely. Too many members of the population have developed an affinity for or a dependence upon Gv in order for a reversal of policy to succeed. Opponents suggest that the parasite-like characteristics of the element could eventually cause the host organism to collapse. Should that happen, it is uncertain whether or not the original state could ever be restored.

Is Gv a dangerous or a harmless drug? Is it the answer to all our problems or is it the source of our problems. The controversy continues to rage. In any case, it would seem prudent to use it sparingly and monitor it closely.

You Owe Me

I am alive.  I am a life.

And, it’s not my fault. Therefore, I cannot be held accountable for myself. I am your responsibility. You are obligated to see that I have everything I need in life and from life. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to be given a rotten set of parents. I didn’t ask for an alcohol gene, a predisposition to drug addiction, a weakness for illicit sex, weak nerves, low metabolism or an inability to get a decent job. All this stuff was just dumped on me without my permission.

Given better circumstances, I would only be too happy to take care of myself. In fact, if I had what you have, I would take care of you too. I am not asking you to do anything that I would not do myself. I’ve shown that I am willing to do my part. I’ve mowed the lawn a lot of times. I shoveled the snow off the sidewalk last winter when it was really cold outside. I’ve even found a way to cook supper when we couldn’t get food stamps on time. So, don’t tell me I’m lazy and I don’t care.

I see you walking down the street, hand in hand with your spouse and acting all lovey-dovey. Don’t you ever stop and think how much that hurts people who aren’t married or who live in abusive relationships? I watch as you flip open your purple-swirl cell phone in front of me and call for an appointment to service your late-model car, knowing that I don’t have a cell phone or a car? I hear you talk about your trip to the mall, plan your vacation and complain that you couldn’t find accessories to match your clothes. And how insensitive are you to tell me you are thinking about building a new home? It’s like you enjoy walking all over me.

You are so wrapped up in yourself, in having birthday parties for your kids, in paying for your new carpet, and in buying your second car (I wish I had just one car that would run) that you don’t know what it’s like to be me. You ought to be ashamed for having all these things and letting me live like a pauper.

Since you don’t put up with any of my hassles, you owe the less fortunate in life a lot. I don’t know exactly how it happens, but I know you are getting rich off people like me. Without us peons, you couldn’t be so high and mighty. We wait on your tables, baby-sit your kids, wash your cars and pay rent for your dilapidated apartments that were built before WWI. Well, it’s not fair and you know it. Simple fairness dictates that I am equal to you. I am sick and tired of you passing me by with your nose stuck in the air, not noticing that I have needs too. It’s not right that you should get everything that life has to offer and I get nothing. Payback time is here and you owe me.

Get a job, you say. Yeah, like jobs are out there growing on trees! Besides, you won’t let me get a job because you won’t give me an education. You won’t let me get an education because you won’t take care of my kids so I can go to school. You won’t let me think straight enough to go to school because you won’t clean up the drugs, alcohol, gangs and crime on the streets. You let me get addicted to crack cocaine and then want to punish me for trying to survive. You want my kids to have both male and female role models, then you rip into me for allowing a live-in companion. You know I’m susceptible to all kinds of bad things, yet you want to blame me for being the way I am. I have attention deficit disorder, bi-polar disorder, low-nourishment because of the potato chips, hot dogs and soda pop I have to buy, plus a lot of other syndromes directly related to the social problems of life that you and all your rich friends in the big-time corporate world created. I don’t even have enough money to get my TV repaired!

I have a right to the same medicine, hospitalization and insurance that you have.  I have a right to the same food, clothing and shelter that you have.  I have a right to take vacations and own pet German schnauzers like you do.  I have a right to shop in the same stores and buy the same stuff that you do.  I have a right to the same quality of life, peace and contentment that you enjoy.  I have a right to the same respect that you get from everyone else. 

Ante up. I’ve got things to do. The lady at the unemployment bureau told me I had to apply for at least three jobs a week or I wouldn’t get my check. And, let me tell you, I work as hard as you do, running all over town submitting these silly résumés.  If you turn me down, you are obviously mean, nasty, greedy and selfish.

And you call yourself a Christian?