NOW, I’M OFFENDED

Airing your offenses seems to be the popular thing to do these days. I’ve been running for cover (in a manner of speaking) almost every newscast when I find out that something else I do or believe suffers a frontal assault coming from Congress to groups I’ve never heard of. I guess I’m not supposed to like Teddy Roosevelt, Mahatma Gandhi, Ulysses S. Grant, or even Abraham Lincoln. Familiar places on the map have to be renamed, and half my vocabulary has been wiped out because many words violate the sensitivity of someone somewhere somehow.

So, all this protesting has got me to thinking. “You know what? I have a right to be offended just as much as anyone else! I may not have the right to free speech, freedom of association or freedom of religion anymore, but I boldly claim my right to publicly declare insensitive words or deeds that make me feel uncomfortable, hurt, embarrassed, or devalued. Just because something is customary in the popular culture is no excuse. People should not be allowed to say, write, act out, sing, draw, paint, name, entitle, or otherwise express any ideas that cause me pain. I’m sick of it and I demand that something be done about it.

Ageism rises to the top of my list. People cavalierly say things like “I’m gonna jump in the shower,” or “run down to the store,” or “hop in bed,” or, “take a hike” with no regard for the aged or handicapped who lack the capacity to perform such feats. The word “jump” needs to be changed to “step” at the very least. And, when I hear the words “run,” or “hop,” I feel extremely insulted since my ambulatory skills are limited by age. No more “run,” “skip,” “race,” “dash,” or similar verbs that make me feel like less of a person. In their place, we need to substitute these words with “hobble,” “totter,” “crawl,” “creep,” or “stagger.” “Walk” may be acceptable, but not preferred. People who don’t know these things need to be reeducated in sensitivity training.

I have a long list of traffic related offenses. I am offended by barriers that prevent me from making left turns into business establishments or parking lots. They cause me aggravation, loss of time and confusion by making me negotiate U-turns, drive several blocks farther to find a place to turn around, or violate another traffic law by stopping in the middle of a busy intersection to figure out how I’m supposed to get to where I’m going. I am offended by businesses that block off access to a neighboring business by not providing me access to the other parking lot. And, I am grossly offended by motorists who insist on driving in the passing lane, semi drivers who pass another semi at one tenth of one mile faster, and tailgaters who nearly crash into my rear bumper and then tear out around me only to make a left turn a half mile later which holds up traffic for miles. They couldn’t care less because it gives them time to check their text messages or adjust their music controls. I am also offended by people who have five cars and only a two-car garage to put them in. People should have an equal number of cars in relation to the number of garage doors.

I am offended by people who overly manicure their lawns, shrubbery, and flowers to make everyone else on the street feel like slobs. The people who paint their mailboxes, wash their windows and apply fresh sealant to their driveways offend me because they flaunt their skills, energy and wealth by their actions. The gardening type of people also show their insensitivity to their neighbors who have trouble kneeling or bending down to tend a garden. Their tomatoes, half-runner green beans, zucchinis, cucumbers and peppers should be grown behind a visual barrier to keep from offending other people who don’t have the luxury of doing the same.

I have lots more grievances to air, but I’m not one of those impatient or greedy types who insist on immediate compliance or else they will riot, loot, or impose their will on others. I will wait a reasonable amount of time for society to come around before I plow ahead. I do feel much better, however, in standing up (I can still do that) and asserting my rights as an American citizen.

But don’t get too complacent. I will soon come after you for your figures of speech, names, titles, websites, social media posts, tweets, clothes (or lack thereof), tattoos, motorcycles, skateboards, pets, billboards, digital signs, masks, gestures, hair styles, sports, swimming pools, leisure activities, hobbies, food, and a bunch of other things that I can’t think of at the moment.

The right to be offended; that’s one right you can’t take away from me.