ThinkingInColor

I have the blessing (or burden) of reading lots of letters and emails sent to me from various people, some official, some free lance. Very few of them cut the mustard, whatever that means. (Google it for me.) What I mean is that they generally fail to persuade me to do anything. It’s like I am supposed to send them a thousand dollars because they learned how to use a word processor to write a letter and ask me for it. Period. I’m sorry, but after fifty gazillion letters like this, the little switch inside my head or heart that operates my emotions sort of slows down and stops working. It takes some kind of dynamite to get it going again.

I begin every letter knowing that the intended reader hates that he or she got it in the first place. The first word, phrase, sentence or paragraph that bores them is the excuse they’ve been looking for to toss it in the garbage can. (Of course, there are those types who believe that they are under a divine mandate to read every single word on a page and ponder it. They are also the types that don’t have any money to send to you anyway, so don’t get too excited.) The sooner I can get a hook in, the more confidence I have that they will read the letter.

People aren’t interested in your history, your trials and tribulations, your unsolicited advice, your personal opinions about subjects that they couldn’t care less about. They don’t want you to beat around the bush. They want you to get in, get out and get going. Just tell them. Don’t tell them what you’re going to tell them, why you’re going to tell them, how you’re going to tell them or how little you’re going to think of them if they don’t let you tell them.

The following brief points may help you to write better letters, especially to pastors, church members or people from whom you would like to get support. I hope one or two of these bits of advice will make a difference in the responses you get.

Letters

• Inspiring. Give pastors something they can use from their pulpit. Give church leaders something that will help them in witnessing or in their prayer life. Give average readers something that will make them sit up and say “Wow!”
  
• Worth reading . Add value to the reader. Make them think that reading your letter is not a waste of time.
  
• Upbeat. Give each letter an overall positive tone. Even negative subjects can be cast in a positive light.
  
• Consistent terminology . Don’t interchange words that have different meanings. If you appear confused, you will lose your reader for sure.
  
• Avoid wordiness . Don’t use ten words if five will do.
  
• Motivating. Write in the active voice. Use verbs. (Avoid be, is, are and was if at all possible.)
  
• Understanding. Demonstrate that you know the plight of the pastor, the leader, the respondent.
  
• Attract attention . Underline, box quotes, use color. Boredom is death!
  
• Say it again . Plan on three mailings to get the point across.

Articles in publications (text)

• Relevant. Your reader will ask, “What does this have to do with me?” as he or she reads the letter. Once they realize that they don’t have to read it, they will drop it quicker than a New York minute. (I am hoping that you haven’t come across that cliché, in which case you think I am a very clever man.)
  
• Current. Stale news is a turn-off.
  
• Accurate. Is it factual, specific, verifiable? With the internet, fact-checking couldn’t be easier.
  
• Motivating. Does it grab the heart? Anything with little or no emotional appeal fails the test. If I don’t care, I won’t read. If I care, I’ll read voraciously.
  
• Informative. What little known or unknown facts are presented? “Hmmm, I didn’t know that!”
  
• Interesting. Drab or colorful?

• Compelling. Makes you look.
  
• Stylistic. Trendy fonts, reflects current design concepts.
  
• Imaginative. Not the same-old same-old.
  
• Action-oriented. Unposed, exciting and moving. Post-office or yearbook poses won’t work.
  

To the true literary gourmet, these offerings hardly exhaust the subject. If you just want to tweak your work, however, maybe this is all the help you need. I shall look forward to getting better letters in the mail!

“For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.” Acts 4:20

While some may think I am flirting with suicide by this title, I think it is time to talk. The subjects of religion and politics are inextricably woven together into the fabric of public and private life, and it is getting progressively harder to ignore them. Issues like partial-birth abortion and gay marriage have both religious and political implications, and staking out a religious position on an issue necessarily impacts one’s politics as well. In presidential election years, opinions and feelings come out of the proverbial woodwork and get hot, even nasty. Christians not only find themselves at odds with each other over political views and parties, they also wrestle with deep conflicts within their own hearts.

Even the way we Americans go about this is chaotic and marked by caveats. Our government, for example, forbids churches to get directly involved with politics, yet they throw issues with huge religious implications up against the wall for public discussion and debate. We are theoretically free to talk about anything—-except those things some minority finds offensive. We may practice our religion as we wish—-unless someone decides to label that practice bigoted, hate-mongering or divisive. For traditional, fundamental Bible-believers, America has become a prison without walls. We don’t know what we can say or do without inviting dire consequences. Threats of lawsuits, adverse media coverage and governmental intrusion have thrown an icy chill over our once fervently held convictions. Cowardice now reigns in the land that courage founded two-and-a-quarter centuries ago.

Primitive Christians, with no bill of rights or constitution to guarantee basic freedoms to them, had zero political involvement. They simply took whatever conditions were imposed upon them. For believers today, even though we live in a representative republic, political involvement is virtually impossible. Political clout either requires millions of dollars or distasteful coalitions, and often both. These realities lead many to despair. They think that standing up against a majority whose anti-God, anti-Bible and anti-decency views seem so unassailable constitutes insanity. Their slogans? Keep your mouth shut and go on. Stay out of trouble. Make no waves. Mind your own business.

What is our business? It may not be to run for office. I personally do not encourage activism, protest movements, or joining strange coalitions. Grass-roots partisan participation or jumping on the campaign wagon for particular candidates can cause serious problems with discipleship. The real answer is quite simple—-let’s just be Christians! Let Bible truths dictate our political positions. If this conclusion drives a wedge between us and old alliances, if it forces us out of cozy and convenient havens where we have hibernated for years, if it exposes us to the withering light of criticism, then we must declare ourselves and trust God for the future. Even if we do not get actively engaged in politics, we can—-and must—-still take stands for righteousness regardless of the consequences.

Many political topics, of course, are debatable. We may differ over taxes, the deficit, health insurance or the war in Iraq . The church must find its voice, however, when immorality and sacrilege enter the political realm. May our Apostolic pulpits remain dedicated to the clear preaching and teaching of the Word of God, even if our words make those who hate us mad. The Bible must be proclaimed in all of its political incorrectness, in all of its absolute pronouncements and in all of its exposure of sin. The Bible sanctions monogamous, heterosexual marriage alone, regardless of what party opines otherwise. Partial birth abortion is infanticide, regardless of the political stripes worn by its advocates. Corporate greed stinks to high heaven, regardless of the party it benefits. And, how can any true believer espouse causes like casino gambling, taking the Ten Commandments displays out of our courtrooms, dropping “under God” from our pledge of allegiance, condom distribution in schools, funding anti-Christian works of so-called art, the use of four-letter words by shock jocks on our airwaves or homosexual adoption? Issues vary from time to time and place to place, but Bible principles never change.

Voting for righteousness, whenever we find it, is only part of the answer. Our greater obligation lies in refusing to be intimidated by those who have a vested interest in the sin industry. The first-century Christians, though they had no political power, continue to be our role models. When they were threatened, they did not threaten back. They did not launch a campaign or flex their political muscle. Instead, they said, “We have an overriding mission to please God. We will not stop doing what we are doing!” The Apostles did not stoop to the tactics of their oppressors, yet they were not passive or cowardly. They just stood for truth.

Politics captivate many because it promises peace, prosperity and equity. Don’t count on it. My vote goes to “…the way, they truth, and the life.”

I have an extensive history with the UPCI. From the old Battlegrounds Campground in Lafayette, Indiana, going to youth camps at the Methodist camp in Hillsdale, Michigan, attending Texas Bible College, preaching across the country as an evangelist, pastoring one of its great churches, serving in youth functions, all the way to participation on the General Board for over six terms and on the Executive Board for two terms, plus sitting on numerous other boards and committees, I have been enriched, challenged and honored at every level.

This history, however, as satisfying as it may be, does not nearly comprise the full reason why I love the UPCI and will remain committed to it. It is not just involvement in boards and busyness. The perfunctory activities and official duties of virtually any church organization can provide a basic sense of involvement that makes a person feel needed and appreciated. This organization gives me something much more.

First, I am indebted to the pioneers of this movement who made untold sacrifices to give me this oneness Pentecostal body of believers. Their pure minds and guileless spirits laid the foundation stone for this body to exist. It cost them wealth, health, success, acceptance and even life to do what they did. They traveled thousands of miles—by horseback, rail, buses, bicycles and shoe leather, in deep snows, chilling temperatures or scorching heat to preach the gospel in the villages and towns of the nation. How can I forget the persecution, the revilement, the scorn and the hatred they faithfully endured to establish churches? How could I disappoint those who shed tears and blood and suffered so much to start up congregations in brush arbors, tents and storefronts across North America? I am deeply grateful for their unswerving commitment. This is my heritage.

Second, the sweetest, most honorable, most passionate, most enthusiastic people I know are my brothers and sisters in the United Pentecostal Church, International. I love these people. They may not be perfect, but until I can personally claim the virtue of perfection, I will have as much tolerance for them as I want them to have for me. On many occasions I have been overwhelmed by their love for God, their testimony and their counsel. They have encouraged me, blessed me, strengthened me, mentored me, invested time and energy into me, taught me and prayed for me. I cannot imagine myself or my ministry apart from this body of believers. This is my family.

Third, belief in the Apostolic truth lies at the very core of the United Pentecostal Church, International. It is our reason for existence. While the organization has undergone some changes in styles and trends, it has nevertheless maintained its hold on righteous principles, doctrinal truths and fervor for missions and evangelism. The common ground that unites us—the oneness of the Godhead, the new birth, the imminent return of Christ and living righteously and godly in this present world—still binds us together, despite the passing of the years. Our articles of faith have not been watered down. They have been made stronger and plainer in expressing the teaching of the Bible. I deeply appreciate this commitment to truth. It has made the UPCI a tower of strength. These are my convictions.

Finally, I am truly impressed by the cumulative total of our united efforts. Unfortunately, too many of us fail to “see the forest for the trees”. We see such a narrow slice of our involvement that we do not notice the overarching impact that the UCPI presently delivers on many different levels and venues. Children, youth, ladies, men, teachers, musicians, church planters, missionaries, writers, speakers, students, pastors, evangelists, technicians, pilots, builders, organizers, promoters and many more persons in roles and positions find a wealth of opportunity in this organization. It is a multi-faceted, diverse group of servant-leaders who pool their several talents and abilities together to make a difference. We are making a difference…a big difference. This is my organization.

May the United Pentecostal Church, International grow stronger and become more effective in the mandate of the church, the great commission. I pledge to do my part to make it happen.

• A safe house for the people in trouble?
• Kind of a spiritual fort in an ocean of cultural craziness?
• A gasoline sation for the soul?
• A gathering place for believers?
• A place for singing and preaching?
• A cool place for weddings, showers and funerals?

Actually, the church is many things to many people. Your image, whatever it may be, sets the priorities which determine the church’s actions.

If, for example, you think the church is a safe house, then you believe it’s main goal ought to be comfort and security. A fort suggests strength, a gathering place means meeting social needs, singing and preaching speaks of religious ritualism, and weddings, etc. casts the church in the light of present material needs only. None of these images fully capture the church Christ conceived.

More than anything, the number one job of the church is to reach out to the world of the lost. If this mission gets distorted or lost, we will marginalize ourselves. In fact, a church that does not consider evangelism as its primary objective, fails its founder! Jesus came to seek and to save that which is lost. Bethlehem of incarnation, Gethsemane of consecration, Bethany of ascension, and the upper room of empowerment all revolve around evangelism.

Evangelism is vital to the life of the church . Picture a gigantic conveyor belt. New people come into our churches through salvation, move-ins, and newborns. But people are also constantly leaving due to job transfers, retirement, sickness and death, spiritual failure, or people just being people. All of us work to maximize the gain and minimize the loss as much as we can. Every church, however, has this challenge. When the loss is greater than the gain, the church suffers decline. In order to simply maintain the status quo, equilibrium needs to exist at both ends of the line.

Evangelism means growth . On the other hand, when the gain is greater than the loss, growth ensues. As obvious as this seems, we still spend too much time at the wrong end of the line, trying to slow down or stop the loss. Let us do what we can, but not to the neglect of the main focus of the church—-evangelism! Actually, evangelism is the healthiest kind of growth the church can enjoy.

Evangelism works . Farmers often suffer bad years because of drought, flooding or blight. Never once, however, do they doubt the natural cycle of spring, summer and fall, sun and rain. Amazingly, God’s people often lose faith in evangelism, as though God capriciously retracted His plan for building His church. Outreach still works. So do revivals, visitation programs, Home Bible Studies, mail-outs, Sunday School contests, canvassing campaigns, and every other effort to reach people. Despite the occasional drought, the evangelism still means growth. Maybe the soil needs to be reworked, the timing adjusted, or the methods changed, but the seed and the plan remain true.

Evangelism feeds on inspiration . The joy of the prospective bride inspired Jesus to suffer through the agony of the cross. Likewise, all of us must become overwhelmed with the joy of evangelism. Motivation for evangelism can undergo erosion, but seeing and hearing some faith-building testimonies and anointed messages can get it back. Don’t wring your hands and shrink back into a corner. Go somewhere, read something, talk to somebody and get an injection of inspiration. Move aggressively into the field. The souls are there. Jesus promised it.

A Bible Memory Plan for the First Apostolic Church

The First Apostolic Church has promoted Bible reading for many years. We have used several formats, but all of them are set up so that all the verses in the Bible are divided by 365 days, allowing people to read their Bible in its entirety over the span of one year. Everybody, however, cannot or does not participate in the program. Even those who do read their bible through may not have time to memorize or to meditate over the meaning of the verses in their reading.

The Engrafted Word is an alternative plan that suggests important passages of scripture to be committed to memory. Becoming involved in this program yields several advantages beyond just reading the Bible:

• By memorizing the scriptures with others, you can share the word with family and friends.
• Focusing on specific passages of scripture gives you time to discover deeper applications of God’s Word to your life.
• Hiding the Word in your heart through memorization will make the Bible a fountain of continual blessing throughout your life.

We will begin the program April 1, the second quarter of 2007. Cards will be provided to all participants with a place for your signature and the signature of the person you choose to hear you quote the scriptures. We will recognize those who complete the memory work at the end of the year. The greatest blessing will not be recognition by the church, however, but by the spiritual treasure you will lay up in store in your life.

April

Week One 1 Corinthians 15:1-4; Week Two 1 Corinthians 15:5-8; Week Three 1 Corinthians 15:50-53; Week Four 1 Corinthians 15:54-58

May

Week One Deuteronomy 6:1-4; Week Two Deuteronomy 6:5-9; Week Three Deuteronomy 6:10-13; Week Four Deuteronomy 6:14-19

June

Week One Philippians 2:5-8; Week Two Philippians 2:9-11; Week Three Philippians 3:7-9; Week Four Phillippians 3:10-14

July

Week One Proverbs 11:23-26; Week Two Proverbs 11:27-31; Week Three Psalm 37:1-4; Week Four Psalm 37:5-8

August

Week One Matthew 6:7-13; Week Two Matthew 6:14-18; Week Three Matthew 6:19-23; Week Four Matthew 6:24-29

September

Week One Psalm 1; Week Two Psalm 8; Week Three Psalm 23; Week Four Psalm 100

October

Week One Colossians 3:1-7; Week Two Colossians 3:8-14; Week Three Colossians 3:15-19; Week Four Colossians 3:20-25

November

Week One Ecclesiastes 3:1-8; Week Two Ecclesiastes 11:1-5; Week Three Ecclesiastes 11:6-10; Week Four Ecclesiastes 12:8-14

December

Week One Luke 1:26-33; Week Two Luke 2:6-14; Week Three Matthew 2:9-15; Week Four John 1:1-14

This piece is an idea in the formational process. We have experimented with the format in venues other than Sunday School and were excited at its success. Several physical changes need to be made before we can implement it in adult Sunday School classes. In the meantime, I offer this as an innovative way to reach out to new adults and still remain effective in teaching long term members of the church. I have attempted to find out if any other congregation uses a similar format, but, so far, my search has been unproductive.

The secular learning experience in the past few decades has undergone tremendous change. While large classes taught by one lecturer still happen regularly in college and university settings, other formats continue to gain popularity. Distance learning, multi-media, field trips, study groups, practicums, dyads, roundtables and other configurations of education make up the learning landscape today. These innovations reflect the realization that people learn in many ways, not just one. This leads me to a re-examination of adult Sunday School. The adult learning experience in the church, in my observation, needs a radical upgrade. The two main objectives of adult Sunday School ought to be teaching the Bible and discipling people into a Christian lifestyle: in short, Bible and fellowship. Most traditional adult Sunday School teachers lecture adequately, but their classes fail in the fellowship aspect. For example, when visitors come to an adult Sunday School class, they rarely have a meaningful conversation with anyone except the person that brought them. They listen to the teacher, but hardly ever converse with him. They get introduced to other members of the class on the way in and out, but exchange little beyond “hello,” “we’re glad to have you” or “hope you come back and see us.”

My concept of a re-imagined Sunday School would be a format in which people enjoy themselves, want to be there, actively engage in the interaction both mentally and emotionally, have their needs of self-esteem and acceptance met, learn solid Bible principles, form wholesome relationships with others and see spirituality modeled not just before them but beside them. I envision a learning environment that is a virtual smorgasbord or banquet style of learning in which a number of round tables are set up in a Family Life Center like the one we have in Toledo. The teacher/moderator/facilitator at each table would explore a variety of topics and lead students in a conversational format. The topics offered would be Bible-based, people-driven, need-sensitive and would reflect the latest happenings and thinking in the world. Each table would hold a different discussion. Coffee, tea and donuts would be served from a main area. When people arrive, they would go to the refreshment area and then choose the table they feel the greatest need for on any given Sunday. They could—-and would be expected to—-change tables from time to time.

Topics offered may include Thru the Bible, Hot Topics, Marriage, Family and Parenting, Bible Doctrine, Spiritual Disciplines, One-on-One, Electives, Christian Finances, Christian Living, World View, Relationships, Theology, Practical Christianity, etc. They may even include such topical areas as New Converts, ACTS, Discipleship, Griefshare, Addictive Behaviors and other topics as needs arise. In addition to discussion tables, a media/literature table would be available that would be stocked with books, magazines, tracts, CD’s and DVD’s to enhance the educational experience of students. A TV monitor could be continuously looping with a selected DVD.

Each moderator would be trained to conduct “directed discussions” based on his or her subject range. Moderators would draw from their research, current events, their own judgment and from questions their participants ask to decide the specific direction they should go on a given Sunday. The key word that should drive all discussions is relevance. Because leading a discussion can be challenging, a thorough training session would be conducted to help facilitators to do an excellent job.

The Sunday School Superintendent and or designated assistant will coordinate the activities. This includes making sure of setup, the refreshment crew is doing their job, the check-in table is supplied with needed materials and the starting and ending times are observed. He would also need to be sure that the moderators stay on topic, provide help for them to get copies made of handouts, check out resources for them, be informed if a moderator is going to be absent, help secure substitutes for absent moderators, and keep the session running smoothly from an overall standpoint.

From an organizer’s point of view, the class names, attendance and offerings would be handled from a “check-in” table. All participants would stop by the table to check in and pick up a list which would show the topics, the moderators and the table layout. It would also include church announcements, flyers and tracts. Packets of church information for guests would also be available. Offerings could either be given at the check-in table or at the discussion table. Each table would conduct its own opening prayer. There would be considerable moving around in the room, but it should not disrupt each discussion. The atmosphere would be similar to a banquet where people have their own conversations going at each table and do not pay much attention to the noise and movement around them.

A committee would be appointed to prepare the coffee, bring the donuts, set up the counter and make sure everything is provided for refreshments. They would maintain the area during the session so the counter doesn’t get messy or unhealthy. If necessary, they should set up the tables and chairs before the session begins and stay afterwards to clean everything up and rearrange the room. If the senior adult classes need to use the FLC, they may need the room to be set up differently. This crew needs to be faithful, dependable and efficient. If there are enough people on the committee, they may be able to rotate Sundays of duty. Another option would be to hire a couple of teen boys to do the set up and tear down job. The class offering should take care of their wages.

Moderators need to commit to staying relevant, well-read, aware of current events and sensitive to the Spirit of God. Each one needs to be a seeker of knowledge and information; a listener; a counselor; a resource of spiritual and scriptural truth; and a friend to the people at their table. They need to know when a discussion is getting into areas that are potentially dangerous. They need to know how to handle obnoxious people. They need to know how to open, direct and wrap up a discussion so that the people leave with a solid grasp of truth.

Some discussion has led us to re-think the age-old title of Sunday School as it applies to adults. Twenty-somethings don’t respond well to that term because it seems too childish, especially when they want to invite visitors. While we would keep the term for the children’s programs, the name for adult education could be changed to something else. The following are either in use or have been suggested: LifeWord, Word of Life, Connect Point, Encounter, Sunday Morning Live, Sunday Friends, Foundations and other names. The name should be meaningful and easily explained.

This kind of format would require a large room and would need a qualified staff of facilitators. It may not work for some churches, but a larger church should be able to do this without too much trouble. The First Apostolic Church in Toledo will do several pilot sessions with this format before making a permanent switch. It is also possible that this set-up could be done on a six to eight week or a seasonal basis.

Aren’t kids great? They make so many things possible, and even convenient. A veritable world of endless possibilities continues to emerge on their behalf. Just think of the things people would not be able to do if children didn’t exist! For example:

Children give politicians an excuse to introduce a smorgasbord of self-serving policies.
Children give divorcing parents reasons to threaten, recriminate and sue each other.
Children give greedy moms an excuse to press for more child support.
Children give deadbeat dads a reason to disappear into thin air.
Children serve as perpetual guinea pigs for far-out educational psychologists.
Children give advertising agencies irresistibly cute little advocates in commercials.
Children give corporations a golden opportunity to hawk their wares.
Children provide the basis for the school transportation industry.
Children keep child protection experts and safety gurus going.
Children guarantee toy manufacturers an endless flow of new business.
Children provide designers with never-ending call for fads, styles, colors and brands.
Children give all of us a tax deduction, but not nearly enough of one.
Children give the pet industry an endless supply of consumers.
Children make the theme park owners and operators annually ecstatic.
Children supposedly provide the motivation for the radical environmental movement.
Children give producers of TV shows and movies a certain and lucrative audience.
Children give pharmaceutical companies a vast market for drugs of dubious use.
Children provide bureaucrats and social workers with thousands of government jobs.
Children give teachers unions a sure-fire platform to keep tenure and stay in business.
Children make restaurateurs like McDonald’s and Chuck E. Cheeses wildly profitable.
Children—-rather, the possibility of them—-maintain business for birth control makers.
Children—-rather, conceiving and then getting rid of them—-ensure work for abortionists.
Children give rock and hip-hop artists a target for violent and suggestive lyrics.
Children keep grandparents in the parenting mode, covering for the real parents.
Children provide a base for demagogues to exploit for government grants and laws.
Children open the door for change agents to subtly angle for cultural revolution.

Yes, children really are the hope of the world…that is the world of authors, lawyers, social workers, pediatricians, orthodontists, Disney executives, therapists, counselors, child psychologists, children’s-rights advocates, fashion designers, ad nauseum and ad infinitum. Some good, some not so good, all gainfully employed. The total exploitation of children that we witness in our society truly forms the front lines of the culture war.

Parent, minister, teacher, child care worker: do not look at children as a platform for any selfish interest you may possess. God has entrusted them to our oversight to prepare them for the adult world, and for eternity. Don’t coddle, spoil or patronize them. Don’t exploit, ignore or abuse them. The only legitimate goals of those truly interested in the spiritual welfare of children should be to train, protect and challenge them to fulfill their design in the eyes of their Maker.

I can’t tell you how critical it is today for us to redouble our efforts to counteract the destructive effects of a twisted and exploitative culture. Too many have bailed out on their responsibilities. Your children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, next-door neighbors and children of friends may not have the vision for children like you do. Reach out to them. Especially encourage them to provide a spiritual education for their children. If they can’t—-or won’t—-put yourself out to do it. You may only have a window of five to ten years to make a difference in the young life of a child. Be the bridge they need into their future. They will thank you in eternity.

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:32

(This outline was part of a seminar presented to the church in 2006.)

Our culture, as a whole, has long understood that families form the building blocks for society. I have observed that in the church, families provide a critical component of the strength and longevity of a congregation. In a very real sense, strong families are the infrastructure of the church operation. The family unit, however, has never been in greater danger in history than it is today. Apostolic people cannot afford to shrug off this crisis. We need to become proactive in understanding, modeling and training family values for our constituents.

Let us begin by going straight to the pressure points that trouble many families today. This involves looking at the sources of family conflict, how these conflicts break out into open war, the awful emotional costs that conflicts bring about, the dysfunctional results of conflicts and why it will all get worse if nothing is done to counter the damage. We will wrap it up by showing a better way to resolve family conflicts. Few things are more difficult in life than family intervention. Yet, if we do not do something, we will witness the demise of the most important social unit known to man.

Conflict: Why are you fighting?

Money
Relationships
Discipline of children
Decisions
Habits/Behaviors
Lifestyles
Philosophies/beliefs

External Consequences: Open War

Shouting matches
Constant bickering
Extreme language/gestures/threats
Tension without talking
Preaching/nagging without response
Physical conflict/Destruction of property
Leaving/Escaping
Retaliatory actions: (i.e. tattoos, body piercings, bizarre behaviors, etc.)

Internal Consequences: Emotional costs.

Anger
Depression
Fear
Hatred/Revulsion
Guilt
Insecurity

Dysfunctional results: Now, we’re in a real mess.

THIS IS WHAT USUALLY BRINGS THE PROBLEM TO THE SURFACE!

Nervous breakdown/Psychosomatic symptoms
Resign yourself to live with the problem (martyrdom)
Co-dependency
Drinking/smoking/drugs
Overeating/overspending
Affairs
Pornography/promiscuity
Gambling
Divorce/emotional divorce/separation
Workaholism
Extreme involvement in sports, hobbies, social/church work

Complications from results: It only gets worse.

Improper solutions develop into primary problems
Improper solutions postpone the inevitable showdown
Invention of appropriate storylines to cover up real problems
Destruction of the family

There is a better way!

The family talk

• This is not spontaneous. It is planned, organized and necessary.
• Set a time (be flexible)
• Set the frequency (three to five times a week)
• Find a place (be comfortable)
• Include as many as want to participate (extended family too)

Set the rules

• Each person can talk (crying, shouting is okay)
• Discussion is okay, but talking back is not allowed
• You may challenge another person (disagree, point out fault, etc.)
• A challenge cannot be answered for twenty-four hours
• The session is not over until all agree to end it
• Affirm someone when they say something courageous and honest.
• Everyone must say I love you after they share with the group.

You want us to do what?  Answering objections

My family won’t do it. (Require attendance, voluntary participation)
It won’t work with my family.

You haven’t tried it.
You don’t want it to work.
You are projecting your own surmising of failure onto the family.

We don’t have time

You have time to fight, escape, sulk, do your hobbies, etc.
You will find time for separation, divorce, custody battles, etc.

The CHR Method (Courage, Honesty, Respect)

Courage

The courage to confess your faults
The courage to confront other family members
The courage to express your feelings
The courage to face your problems

Honesty

Honesty in self-analysis
Honesty is expressing all your feelings, thoughts, opinions
Honesty in responding to criticism (no defensiveness, anger, etc.)

Respect

Do everything in the atmosphere of respect.
Do not react emotionally to things you disagree with.
Respect the other person’s feelings. Feelings are real.

What are you going to talk about? (From Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend)

Catching the Virus: Letting the attitude of parents affect your marriage.
Second Fiddle: Failure to leave mother or father emotionally.
May I have my allowance, please?

Financial irresponsibility.
Depending on parents to support lavish lifestyle.

Mom, where are my socks?:

Perpetual child syndrome.
Enmeshed family.

Three’s a crowd:

Triangulation
Turning to an uninvolved third person for comfort and validation.

Who’s the child here, anyway?:

Codependency
Taking care of the irresponsible parent.

But I’m your brother: Irresponsible siblings.