Great Families Seminar Outline (Part One)

Helping Families Achieve God’s Design

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:32

(This outline was part of a seminar presented to the church in 2006.)

Our culture, as a whole, has long understood that families form the building blocks for society. I have observed that in the church, families provide a critical component of the strength and longevity of a congregation. In a very real sense, strong families are the infrastructure of the church operation. The family unit, however, has never been in greater danger in history than it is today. Apostolic people cannot afford to shrug off this crisis. We need to become proactive in understanding, modeling and training family values for our constituents.

Let us begin by going straight to the pressure points that trouble many families today. This involves looking at the sources of family conflict, how these conflicts break out into open war, the awful emotional costs that conflicts bring about, the dysfunctional results of conflicts and why it will all get worse if nothing is done to counter the damage. We will wrap it up by showing a better way to resolve family conflicts. Few things are more difficult in life than family intervention. Yet, if we do not do something, we will witness the demise of the most important social unit known to man.

Conflict: Why are you fighting?

Money
Relationships
Discipline of children
Decisions
Habits/Behaviors
Lifestyles
Philosophies/beliefs

External Consequences: Open War

Shouting matches
Constant bickering
Extreme language/gestures/threats
Tension without talking
Preaching/nagging without response
Physical conflict/Destruction of property
Leaving/Escaping
Retaliatory actions: (i.e. tattoos, body piercings, bizarre behaviors, etc.)

Internal Consequences: Emotional costs.

Anger
Depression
Fear
Hatred/Revulsion
Guilt
Insecurity

Dysfunctional results: Now, we’re in a real mess.

THIS IS WHAT USUALLY BRINGS THE PROBLEM TO THE SURFACE!

Nervous breakdown/Psychosomatic symptoms
Resign yourself to live with the problem (martyrdom)
Co-dependency
Drinking/smoking/drugs
Overeating/overspending
Affairs
Pornography/promiscuity
Gambling
Divorce/emotional divorce/separation
Workaholism
Extreme involvement in sports, hobbies, social/church work

Complications from results: It only gets worse.

Improper solutions develop into primary problems
Improper solutions postpone the inevitable showdown
Invention of appropriate storylines to cover up real problems
Destruction of the family

There is a better way!

The family talk

• This is not spontaneous. It is planned, organized and necessary.
• Set a time (be flexible)
• Set the frequency (three to five times a week)
• Find a place (be comfortable)
• Include as many as want to participate (extended family too)

Set the rules

• Each person can talk (crying, shouting is okay)
• Discussion is okay, but talking back is not allowed
• You may challenge another person (disagree, point out fault, etc.)
• A challenge cannot be answered for twenty-four hours
• The session is not over until all agree to end it
• Affirm someone when they say something courageous and honest.
• Everyone must say I love you after they share with the group.

You want us to do what?  Answering objections

My family won’t do it. (Require attendance, voluntary participation)
It won’t work with my family.

You haven’t tried it.
You don’t want it to work.
You are projecting your own surmising of failure onto the family.

We don’t have time

You have time to fight, escape, sulk, do your hobbies, etc.
You will find time for separation, divorce, custody battles, etc.

The CHR Method (Courage, Honesty, Respect)

Courage

The courage to confess your faults
The courage to confront other family members
The courage to express your feelings
The courage to face your problems

Honesty

Honesty in self-analysis
Honesty is expressing all your feelings, thoughts, opinions
Honesty in responding to criticism (no defensiveness, anger, etc.)

Respect

Do everything in the atmosphere of respect.
Do not react emotionally to things you disagree with.
Respect the other person’s feelings. Feelings are real.

What are you going to talk about? (From Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend)

Catching the Virus: Letting the attitude of parents affect your marriage.
Second Fiddle: Failure to leave mother or father emotionally.
May I have my allowance, please?

Financial irresponsibility.
Depending on parents to support lavish lifestyle.

Mom, where are my socks?:

Perpetual child syndrome.
Enmeshed family.

Three’s a crowd:

Triangulation
Turning to an uninvolved third person for comfort and validation.

Who’s the child here, anyway?:

Codependency
Taking care of the irresponsible parent.

But I’m your brother: Irresponsible siblings.

Great Families Seminar Outline (Part Two)

An example of a CHR session

(Mom, Dad, Son, Daughter sitting in comfortable chairs in the family room.)

Mom: Okay, I’ll start it out. I was really hurt the other day when I spent all day cleaning the family room, rearranging the furniture and hanging new pictures and nobody said a word about it. It seems like I am just taken for granted and I am just everyone’s slave. I feel unappreciated and ignored.

Daughter: I’m sorry, Mom. I noticed the room, but you weren’t around when I saw it and so I just got busy with my art project and forgot about it. It looks really nice.

Dad: It looks beautiful, honey. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. And I’m sorry if I make you feel unappreciated. You’re not my slave. You’re my wife and I’m very glad about it, too.

Mom: Thank you, Dear.

Everyone: I love you, Mom.

Dad: Okay. (pause) So, I’m supposed to tell you how I feel about things?

Daughter: That’s the idea, Dad.

Dad: I’m okay. I feel okay.

Mom: About everything?

Dad: Well, maybe not everything…but I don’t like to talk about stuff.

Daughter: You and Jack sure talk a lot when he comes over.

Dad: Yeah, but…we’ve got a lot in common. It’s not a problem talking to him.

Mom: Just try it with us. Do you get mad at us for anything? Tell us.

Dad: Well, I get tired of working my tail off every day and bringing home the paycheck just so everybody can run up to me and ask for money or things and run off to do their own thing. I don’t ask for much, just a little respect and some thanks. Actually, I feel like I am just a piece of furniture around here. There. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Mom: That’s it. It’s called sharing. At least now we don’t have to guess how you feel.

Everyone: I love you, Dad.

Daughter: Dad, I want to challenge you on what you just said. You said you don’t ask for much. I think you do ask for a lot. You make us tiptoe around when you don’t want to be bothered. We don’t dare touch any of your tools or you jump on us with both feet. You threatened to take away the car keys if didn’t get my grades up. That was fair, but when I brought home three A’s and two B’s, you just said, ‘It’s about time.’

Dad: Wait a minute, I---

Mom: Honey, you can’t answer back for twenty-four hours.

Dad: But I didn’t say---

Son: The rules, Dad. You can’t break the rules.

Daughter: Anyway, Dad, I thought you should have been happy about doing better in school. Now, as far as my feelings are concerned, I feel really happy because I finished my art project today and I really like the way it turned out. I worked on it for three weeks so I had a lot invested into in. But, I also feel a little bummed because I won’t be able to enter it in the contest because we have a choir concert the same weekend and I have a special part so I can’t get out of it.

Mom: Your project was wonderful, Sue. It made me proud of you that you have so much talent.

Dad: Well, after your challenge, I don’t know how I feel. I’m just teasing! I didn’t see the end result, but I’m sure it is beautiful. I am looking forward to seeing it.

Everyone: I love you, Sue

Mom: John, you’re next.

Son: I don’t have anything to say.

Dad: How about your new job?

Son: It’s okay.

Mom: Do you like the people you work with?

Son: Yeah. They’re okay.

Daughter: That’s not what you told me.

Son: Shut up.

Dad: Hmmm. Sounds like we have something going on here.

Son: I don’t need to talk about anything.

Mom: Courage, honesty, respect. John, we will respect you whatever you share with us.

Son: (long pause while everyone waits patiently) A guy was smoking weed on break yesterday. He offered me a puff.

Dad: Did you take it?

Son: (Almost inaudibly) Yes.

Dad: Did you say yes?

Son: I said yes.

Mom: (Pause) Did you like it?

Son: No. Well, yeah, but it wasn’t like I got stoned or anything. It was just a little puff. The guy said I didn’t do it right. It takes practice to really get high.

Dad: (Irritated) Have you ever studied the effects of marijuana on people? Do you know the trouble it can get you into? I can’t believe you did something like that.

Son: Here we go. This is exactly why I didn’t want to talk about it. I’m not going to be a drug addict or anything. Thanks, Sue. (Gets up to go to his room.)

Dad: John, I’m sorry. Don’t leave. It’s not going to help. Sit down and let’s talk about it.

Son: (Sits back down.) I just don’t want to get harassed.

Mom: Why do you think you smoked it?

Son: I don’t know. I was just curious, I guess. I know a lot of kids who smoke weed. It’s cool. (pause) Maybe I wanted to look cool. (pause) That’s not a very good reason. I know I shouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry.

Everyone: I love you, John.

Mom: Are you glad you told us?

Son: (Slight smile) Yeah. At least I got it off my chest.

Dad: John, I want to affirm you for confessing to us tonight. It was the right thing to do.

(Music closes scene.)

What just happened in this family?

Everyone was made aware of real feelings that had been suppressed.
Inaccurate statements and feelings were challenged.
Intimate feelings of self-worth and purpose were shared.
The family endured a shocking confession and responded with love and support.
The family just diffused possible sources of tension, anger and conflict.
Everyone was more secure in their love and concern for each other.

Possible statements in CHR:

Daughter: Mom and Dad, I really don’t like it when you guys fight all the time.
Son: Dad, I feel like you don’t care about the family when you come home so late.
Daughter: Mom, I really get mad when you nag me so much.
Mom: Sue, it bothers me that you don’t let me look at your cell phone call history.
Son: Dad, I wish you would take a few minutes to ride bikes with me.
Daughter: Mom, all you ever see are the negative things I do.
Mom: John, you frustrate me when you just throw you clothes down anywhere you like.
Son: Mom and Dad, why don’t we ever take a vacation?
Dad: John, I have a real problem with some of your friends.
Mom: Sue, it’s not fair for you to run to Dad after I say no and get him on your side.
Daughter: Mom and Dad, I feel like you give John more attention than you do me.
Son: Dad, I feel like you yell at us all the time. I wish you would stop.
Dad: John, you were late for curfew last night. Want to talk about it now or later?
Daughter: Mom, you don’t seem to care about our schedules when you want us to do something.
Mom: John, it really hurts when you talk to me so disrespectfully.
Son: Dad, I don’t like it when you spend so much time over at your buddy’s.
Mom: Sue, you worry me when you spend so much time in your room by yourself.
Son: Mom, it makes me feel really bad when you say I’m stupid and I can’t learn anything.
Daughter: Mom, it bothers me when you let yourself get overweight.
Son: Dad, I have a hard time respecting you when you don’t go to church.
Mom: John, when you lie to me I feel that I can’t trust you.
Dad: Sue, it doesn’t make me feel good when you keep asking me to buy you things that you know I can’t afford.”

Let Jesus rule your family.

He is your peace.
He is your strength.
He is your joy.
He is your life.

Signed, Anonymous

I received your letter today.
You didn’t sign it.

You know who I am, but denied me the same privilege of knowing who you are. You spoke of people and places, hurts and problems, opinions and case histories. You sounded authoritative and informed, like you knew exactly what you were talking about. You used “facts”, referred to incidents in which you could not possibly have the inside scoop, and recounted hearsay as though it were unadulterated truth. But those were the minor offenses of your letter. More seriously, you trashed authorities, contradicted the decisions made by boards and panels formed to fully air problems, and choked on the grist of the rumor mill. While you inflicted harm on others, you took no risks yourself. You lobbed your verbal grenades from an unidentified lair and took shots at unsuspecting enemies like they were sitting ducks.

By your own admission, you suggested your letter was cowardly (you were right), yet you wrote and sent it anyway. You instinctively knew that throwing your grievances over the wall of anonymity appeared unethical, but your secret outrage won out over propriety. Several reasons come to mind why unsigned letters like yours exacerbate the very problems they purport to resolve:

Unsigned letters give no forum for response.
Unsigned letter writers’ misunderstandings have no chance at correction.
Unsigned letter writers don’t have to face the people they criticize.
Unsigned letter writers avoid having any dirt associated with their names.
Unsigned letter writers don’t have to unearth facts or chase down stories.
Unsigned letter writers force everyone to become the suspected author.
Unsigned letter writers pretend to be speaking for everybody.
Unsigned letter writers elevate themselves to a pious perch.
Unsigned letter writers are more interested in self-protection than making things right.

This is why your letter greatly offends me: I believe that anyone who has something to say ought to come out in the open and say it. Look your enemies in the whites of the eyes and make your grievances known. This exposes your charges to the scrutiny of all others. If your charges are true, you will be justified. If they are false, you will be corrected and the accused party will be cleared. Remember, every person accused of wrongdoing deserves the right to know about it and defend himself. This is the scriptural way. “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.” Matthew 18:15-17. Evidently, you would rather label your enemies as heathens and publicans, bypassing the preliminary steps. It is unfair, unjust and wrong. If you were the butt of someone else’s anonymous letter, you would understand.

What now? Do you want me to act on all your unsubstantiated charges? Do you think I should conduct an investigation, accost the troublemakers and demand they cease and desist on the grounds of your accusations? In choosing to write anonymously, do you excuse yourself from involvement in this messy affair? Do you want others to put their names and reputations on the line while you remain insulated from attack? Do you want me to display courage while you hide timidly in the shadows? Are you the one who has something to hide?

Despite the foregoing remarks, I do entertain the possibility that much of what you said is true. Unfortunately, when you decided against signing your letter, you greatly weakened your position. Issues do not stand by themselves alone; they draw strength and credibility from the people who advance them. Regardless of how substantial your charges may be, your failure to take personal responsibility for them makes them specious. If the problem is not worth attaching your name and reputation to it, why should it be worth attaching mine? You can probably guess the final destination of your letter. Now you know why.

The Ten Commandments of Complaining

We all do it, and for good reason. The newspaper delivery guy throws the paper in the mud. The clerk put us on hold while she (probably) keeps talking to her boyfriend. The cashier forgets to put the eggs in the cart. The credit card company slaps a late fee on us because we went one second beyond the due date. We complain when the other guy’s at fault. We complain when it’s our fault and the other guy won’t give us a break. Businesses complain about customers; customers complain about businesses. Bosses hear nothing but complaints from workers. Workers hear nothing but complaints from their bosses. Both bosses and workers complain that no one ever listens to their complaints anyway.

Before yelling to stop this bus so you can get off, I need to remind you that complaining is not all bad. In fact, complaining is the trigger to kick things into action. It all starts with the baby fussing over a wet diaper, an empty stomach or an irritation of some sort. All of a sudden, the pitiful little wah-wah’s unleash an avalanche of clean, dry clothes, milk and soothing pats and cooing voices. Although his cognitive processes are not developed fully enough to analyze this chain of events, this formula gets hard wired into his brain: Need + Complaints = Satisfaction. Later, her baby teeth begin to break through the skin and she cries from the pain. And, just like clockwork, here come the soft hands of mercy to rub her gums and rock her to sleep…or at least to a state of relative calm. It works too when he squeals from bumping his head on the table, yelps from the bite of a sibling or bawls when daddy puts him down and rushes off to work. Each time, something that feels good, tastes good or makes the pain go away rewards his protest. He’s hooked. Complaining is the way to get what he wants.

Then, something starts going wrong with the process. He cries, as usual, when he wants more candy, a shiny new toy or the freedom to run out in the street. Nothing happens. She cries louder, but she hears a strange, unfriendly sound in reply. Thinking that the stooges who always answer his complaints don’t hear or understand him, he throws his complaint into an ear-splitting high gear, falls to the ground and kicks his legs. Instead of the usual hands of comfort reaching out to him, however, rough hands grab him and yank him to his feet and plop him in a chair facing the corner. Hey! What in the world is going on? Her learned behavior that had always worked in the past now delivers a very different result. As he matures, most of these dilemmas work themselves out, but even as an adult, a certain level of residual annoyance always surfaces when his or her complaining fails to yield a satisfactory outcome.

What do we take away from these hard lessons of infancy and childhood? Complaining about some things may work, but not about everything. The way we complain about things, even when we have legitimate gripes, may produce mixed results. These factors, along with the reasons, targets and frequency of complaints combine to bring either success or failure in getting our way. None of us ever really stop complaining—we just get better at it. At least, we ought to since complaining eats up enormous amounts of energy, has the potential to harm worker morale, and often negatively impacts job performance. In fact, the nature and number of complaints accurately peg the maturity of the complainer. Consider the following guidelines to smarter complaining.

1. Thou shalt not complain about unimportant things. Don’t waste your time protesting trivialities. If you do, people will think you are a big baby and will tend to pay less attention to you the next time you voice a complaint. For example, do cars parked on the lines instead of between the lines annoy you? Ignore them. Does a fellow employee who laughs too loudly get under your skin? Ah, ah, ah—not a word! Does a boss who won’t let you leave one minute before the end of your shift send you over the top? Shrug it off. Thousands of little things like these affect all of us in the human condition. Let them slide without making a scene.

2. Thou shalt not complain about things which cannot be changed. The weather, the traffic, the price of gasoline, the job location…why complain if you know nothing can be done about them? If you hired in knowing that the job was tough and the hours were long, then your complaints about the tough job and long hours lack merit. If you agreed to a long list of requirements that applied to your position, you forfeited your right to complain about the requirements. Certain realities define the nature of our jobs. Unless you have a magic wand to wave, it is reasonable for you to accept these parameters without complaining and stay positive. Railing against fixed realities hurts you and the people you work with in many different ways.

3. Thou shalt not complain in an offensive manner. Even if you have a legitimate complaint, coming across like an ogre spoils your chance at success. Venting doesn’t address the problem. Real change calls for a calm approach that shows respect and reason. Make sure your attitude is in full control before you open your mouth.

4. Thou shalt not complain at a bad time. Every job runs into peak activity time when interruptions can’t be allowed. Come in early, stay after hours or choose a lull in action to register your complaint. Also, pay attention to kind of day your boss is having. If you know he or she is stressed out, you’re more likely to cause a scene rather than find a solution.

5. Thou shalt not complain to the wrong people. If you have a problem with your boss, do not take your complaint to a fellow employee, a customer or client. It doubles the difficulty, because now your boss has a problem with two persons instead of one. Do not excuse backbiting by saying you had to talk to someone to get it off your chest. If needed, run your complaint by a person totally unconnected to your job so there’s no danger of interference.

6. Thou shalt not complain without ceasing. Fussing about anything and everything all the time gets really old. At first, bosses try to listen and respond to the complaints, but when they suspect that nothing ever pleases such people, they get increasingly irritated at them. It soon becomes clear where the real problem lies. Chronic complainers go through life with a huge blind spot—themselves!

7. Thou shalt complain about real health and safety issues. You are not overstepping your bounds to raise issues about health and safety. These problems must be addressed immediately for obvious reasons. Also, the legal, financial and public image welfare of the business may be threatened if an incident caused by negligence leads to injury or illness. If nothing is done, complain again or take it to a higher authority.

8. Thou shalt complain about unfair treatment. Discrimination or bigotry on the job must not be tolerated. If you feel that you have been victimized by unjust treatment or decisions, talk to the proper people to get it resolved. Even if such situations are uncomfortable or require a lengthy process to make it right, your welfare and the workplace morale is at stake.

9. Thou shalt complain if reasonable, human expectations are not met. Every employee has a right to expect clean, sanitary workplace, a work area kept at a right temperature, functional restrooms properly stocked and a secure environment. When these basic needs are lacking, a complaint is in order.

10. Thou shalt complain if you are prevented from performing your job. Any situation with personnel or workplace conditions that interferes with your job performance needs to be reported. Problems that go unresolved harm the worker, the customer and the reputation of the business.

Actually, many of the issues that arise in the work environment don’t warrant the label of a complaint. They may simply be small problems that need to be pointed out so they can be easily resolved. Sometimes, however, major conflicts do occur that require everyone’s attention. You should have enough self respect and good will toward your business and employer to talk about such conflicts. Many full-blown crises could be avoided if the right people would feel free to address the issues when they are first noticed. Complaints that get taken care of promptly and properly mean contented workers, happy bosses and satisfied customers.