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Governmentium (Gv )

periodic_table[1].gifOn the scientific front, research scientists have discovered a new pervasive element in the periodic table: governmentium (Gv). It possesses unusual properties which make it markedly different from other elements. They say it is the heaviest element known to science, and its greatest concentration seems to be the geographical area of Washington D. C., although many states have detected pockets of the element near the center of each state.

Governmentium consists of one neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, held together by a force called morons, and surrounded by vast quantities of peons. It has a somewhat unstable nature and tends to grow heavier in two, four and six year cycles, mysteriously coinciding with U. S. Congressional, Presidential and Senatorial elections. Some researchers have expressed concern that governmentium could develop into a menace to society, but their fears have been largely denied by those who work with it on a daily basis and who have charged its detractors with engaging in science fiction scare tactics reminiscent of the “Star Wars” fiasco. Presently, the main use for Gv involves the manufacture of sedatives and hallucinogens, although it has been know to incite amphetamine, deoxyephedrine, and methamphetamine type responses. Consumers cite feelings of pleasure, inability to work, a sense of irresponsibility and other sensations that relieve the stress and anxiety typical of normal, productive individuals.

Still, dubious scientists point to other areas of the earth where governmentium has been found in abundance and has caused problems. They say that the former U. S. S. R. suffered from an overdose of the element in its various forms and caused a major deterioration of the infrastructure of the now defunct empire. Supporters, on the other hand, claim that the failure of those pilot programs were the result of defective manufacturing and faulty application. They say that governmentium, if used correctly, can be the panacea for all human problems. Cuba , Venezuela , and the People’s Republic of China stand out as showcases of the drug’s success, according to backers.

The side effects of Gv consumption include amnesia, euphoria, loss of balance, loss of finance, inability to concentrate, incoherence, inability to speak freely, inability to defend oneself, difficulty in reading, difficulty in parenting, and other forms of personal and social impairment. The element has a strong predisposition to abuse.  Studies show that it is highly addictive and has been linked to various forms of dementia. Extended use can lead to becoming partially or totally institutionalized.

At the present, few guidelines have been set up to regulate the production and use of the new element. The only regulations written and enforced concerning governmentium are by government bureaucrats. Skeptics charge that the control must be placed back in the hands of the public, but, at this point, the move seems unlikely. Too many members of the population have developed an affinity for or a dependence upon Gv in order for a reversal of policy to succeed. Opponents suggest that the parasite-like characteristics of the element could eventually cause the host organism to collapse. Should that happen, it is uncertain whether or not the original state could ever be restored.

Is Gv a dangerous or a harmless drug? Is it the answer to all our problems or is it the source of our problems. The controversy continues to rage. In any case, it would seem prudent to use it sparingly and monitor it closely.

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