What Will You Do When You Stop Pastoring?

Part Two

How will my relationship with people I’ve known for many years change?  The rule of thumb is that whatever relationship you had as their pastor must now be filled by the new pastor.  All counseling, advising, directing and playing any official pastoral roles must come to an end.  You must now treat them as you always treated members of other churches.  You have vacated the place of authority in their lives.  This needs to be strictly observed and you should inform everyone of the new arrangement.  My predecessor, Fred Kinzie, used to delight in saying to any church member who wanted to counsel with him (with a hearty laugh and an exaggerated gesture of his thumb) “Next door down!”  Harmless social interaction, talking about the past or discussing generalities about the news or weather shouldn’t be a problem.  If any conversations go deeper than these levels, however, you should tell the pastor.  It is the pastor’s call if you should be involved from that point on.  

Two factors can complicate the relationship question: a) Family (both immediate and extended) in the church; and b) contractual-type associations with church members (e. g. business partnerships, shared properties, neighborhood associations, deer leases, etc.)  Even in these situations, the rule of thumb still applies.  It would be best to get out of any contractual relationship you can.  Also, you should not be naïve about the tendency for some people to manipulate or use your words for their benefit. If they can get you to opine about a subject that differs from the beliefs or preferences of the pastor, they can drive a wedge or create tension between you and the leadership.  Family ties need to be handled cautiously as well.  Talk is often much freer among families, and there is a real danger that thoughts and feelings may be shared that could cause serious problems in the church.  The relationship your relatives have to the church and pastor must be respected more than your blood ties.  All of these relationships must be handled with good grasp of ministerial ethics. 

What should my relationship be to the new pastor?  If you have ever worked closely with an assistant or an associate pastor, or you have served another pastor in a helping capacity, then you know all about multi-staff dynamics.  Ministers down a notch or two on the totem pole often engage in (mostly) friendly competition and maneuver for as much advantage as they can possibly get.  They want favors for their ideas, funding for their projects and positive reviews for their performance.  As the retired pastor, you have a unique role in that you have more experience than the Senior Pastor, but you have relinquished leadership authority.  You must not try to tacitly regain the leadership you gave up by veiled criticism, subtle directives or strategically withholding affirmation.  You are best served by serving the pastor.  Buy into the Senior Pastor’s ideas, give public compliments and become his or her greatest fan.  

While I am reluctant to share this, I am aware of several situations in which a retiring pastor brought in a new man who began to successfully energize and lead the church to growth and revival.  Rather than bask in the glow of success, the retiring pastor grew jealous.  Consequently, he orchestrated a coup and railroaded the new pastor out of his position.  In every case, the church suffered permanent damage and stagnated, shrank in size or folded altogether.  A true leadership crisis is one thing, but pettiness and jealousy must not overtake you.  You have no greater honor than to watch the church thrive.  It represents the good work you did to establish a foundation for growth, and it is a credit to your foresight to bring a capable person in to lead it into the future.  Remember, all the reasons why you retired still exist.  

Can I decline any preaching and/or teaching assignments in the church?  Any ministerial tasks you perform as a retired pastor must be voluntary, which means you have the option to refuse to do them.  It’s probably not wise to allow your name to be put on a regular preaching or teaching rotation, or you should not accept counseling, visitation or administrative assignments in a routine manner since it may have legal or taxation implications.   Otherwise, feel free to do as much ministry as you are asked or as you want to do.  

Should I still officiate at weddings, baby dedications and funerals?  The policy for most churches is to ask the pastor to officiate at all special occasions.  If you are asked by a family to participate in an event, you should always defer to the pastor.  If they insist that they want you, make sure they clear it with the Senior Pastor.  

I give this advice because there could be an ulterior motive for families to ask you instead of the pastor.  They may be in disagreement with the pastor on certain arrangements for the event and think that you would be easier to persuade.  It could also be nostalgia for your ministry or simply a lingering dislike for change.  If you permit yourself to go along with them, you may impede the transition process and be perceived as harboring mistrust of the new leadership.  The value of church unity far exceeds any fleeting ego stroke you may receive.  

What role will my spouse play in the new arrangement?  Beyond the transfer of pastoral authority, this may be equal to, or more important than any other issue in the transition.  I can’t speak to a female pastor situation, but for the typical male pastor, his wife’s new role must not be overlooked or minimized.  When he retires, so does she.  Her peace with the arrangement is critical to its success.  Some wives don’t feel they are ready for retirement when their husband decides it’s time.  She may have deep and ongoing interests in people she is trying to lead or disciple.  She may have responsibilities that she is not prepared to release.  If she is forced to withdraw from fulfilling ministries, she may feel like a limb has been amputated.  She undoubtedly has a prominent identity as the first lady and mother of the congregation that her husband may not fully appreciate or understand, but for her, it is her very life.  Findings strongly suggest that the psychological profile and sense of self-worth in a woman is based more on relationships than all other factors.  This is precisely where the impact of retirement delivers its most concentrated blow.  Thus, to ignore this impact is dangerous indeed. 

Whether you stay or leave will determine much of the future role of the wife.  If you stay, she will have to adjust to her new relationship with the Senior Pastor’s wife in addition to that of the congregation.  This dynamic will largely be a function of the personalities of the two women.  There is no way to predict the outcome, but the new arrangement certainly needs to be entered into with eyes wide open.  If you leave, then your wife will have to adjust to a much more personal impact of her loss of relationships, her familiar surroundings, her home and her routines that developed over many years.  Perhaps the subtitle question of this article should have been “What will your wife do after you stop pastoring?”  In observing how retiring ministers have coped with this situation, those who have focused on specific ministries, projects or roles have fared the best.  As we will discuss later with the minister, she needs a new focus in life; a new reason to live.  This needs to be deliberately managed and not left to chance.  

How will my family’s relationship to the church change?  The social reality for many churches finds the pastor’s family occupying a prominent position.  Many treat the church as if it were a family business.  They assume authority that may not have been formally given to them, but, by virtue of their parents in control, most members have accepted the arrangement as logical and comfortable.   With the entrance of a new Senior Pastor, the family not only loses that identity, they see another family move into the position that was formerly theirs.  One can easily see the caveats involved here.  All the players in the new arrangement need to be cognizant of these dynamics.  

In a preemptive strike against any trouble, the retiring pastor may want to bring in a trusted counselor to have a conference with the family.  This will allow family members a time to express their feelings and hear how they should handle the changing situation.  Regardless of how the subject is broached, it must not be ignored.  In addition, the new Senior Pastor should show great sensitivity in how the former pastor’s family is treated.  If these precautions are taken, a potential problem can be diffused and turned into a positive force in the future of the church.  

There is one thing for certain in the impact of retirement on both the spouse and the children: the personal relationship that each person has with Jesus Christ will become paramount.  Both the strengths and the weaknesses in the individual family member’s spiritual experience will be exposed.  Situations that may cause turbulence and confusion always find their ultimate solution in drawing close to God.  

How important is it for me to attend every service on a regular basis?  When you are at home and as long as you are able, it is very important for you to be in service.  You now have a unique role to play in strengthening the church.  Even though you are no longer leading, people will look to you for your reaction to anything that goes on.  Your positive response speaks volumes to the new pastor and the congregation.  

Don’t forget, your relationship with God eclipses any involvement you may have with the church.  One camp meeting speaker was asked by a visitor, “Do you get paid for doing this?”  When he said yes, the visitor said she wanted to talk with someone who wasn’t getting paid to be in the service.  To her, that meant more because it was voluntary.  Likewise, your church attendance should not change simply because your pay no is no longer determined by being in church.  

Should I still come to the office on a day to day basis?  This will be basically up to you, but the key is to be inconspicuous and non-intrusive.  If you have a hard time staying quiet during office discussions, or refraining from offering your opinion on critical issues, then it might be better for you to stay away.  If you do come in, don’t (for lack of a better phrase) bother the help!  Did you ever have an unwelcome guest come in right while you were in the middle of a huge project and get in the way?  If so, you have an idea how your presence in the office may be appreciated!  If you are capable of serious introspection, ask yourself why you feel a need to be there.  Now, it is someone else’s time to shine.  Step back.  It will be better that way. 

Can I volunteer any suggestions or ideas I may have for the new pastor?  If you are asked for your input, feel free to give it.  If not, you can suggest all you want to, but keep in mind that you no longer have follow-through authority!  Give your suggestion or idea and walk away—without checking up on it later to see what was done with your idea.  Whether or not it is implemented is not your concern.  A small tip may be in order here:  the more often you suggest what the new pastor should do, the less it will be appreciated or taken seriously.  If you do have something to say, determine whether or not it is of great importance.  If not, forget it.  If it is, pray about it and state it as succinctly as possible.  Actually, your compliments and affirming statements are far more important than your suggestions or criticisms. 

What can I do to make the best use of my time in retirement?  This last question brings us to the reason for this article in the first place.  Retirement is like a car:  just because the vehicle is not in gear doesn’t mean the motor isn’t running.  You do have energy and you still have capabilities for many tasks and/or missions.  Don’t turn that motor off simply because you aren’t going in the direction you have always gone.  Find a different road and keep going!  

My predecessor kept going for twenty-six years after retirement up until a few months before he passed away.  Some things were easier for him in his relationship with the church since he was my father-in-law and he could come and sit in my wife’s office without any awkwardness.  Still, he was wise in that he specifically mapped out for himself certain projects that he intended to do after his active pastoral years.  He wrote his autobiography, plus several other books that kept him very busy.  We also went through two major building programs after he retired.  He loved construction and so his advice and work (as a gopher!) was invaluable to me.  Other retiring ministers have made themselves available for interim pastoral assignments, special speaking engagements, visitation assignments, prayer ministries in the local church and other outlets for ministry.  Many have given themselves to teaching in Christian school venues, as Bible college instructors or have gone into missions work on the foreign field as well as at home.  The opportunities are endless. 

You need to plan out your post-pastoral life in the same way you managed your active years.  You may not know what you will do every day, but you need to have an idea which direction you are headed.  It is vital that you permit your vision to change.  Whether it is bigger or it is smaller, your vision will drive you onward.  Without it, you will perish.  Do not measure your value by what you did as a pastor.  That was then; this is now.  If you are only important because of what you used to do, you are now officially a has-been!  You can’t let that happen to you.  Retirement gives you the opportunity to re-create, re-envision and re-imagine your life.  In fact, who you are in retirement may actually become the defining years of your legacy.  

Today, you are a force for good; a force for God!  Your assignment as a pastor was short-lived (or so it seemed).  Now, the future beckons.  You and God have been at the drawing board for this stage.  It can and should be as exciting as the last stage. 

Retirement is not “Good-bye.” 

It is “Let’s go!”