Ten Reasons Why Ministers Don’t Talk To Each Other

Throughout the year, I receive many requests for private, confidential conversations with pastors, ministers and even church members. Sometimes, these talks focus on very personal matters, but many times they voice concerns that commonly affect ministers everywhere. In fact, I have often wished that three or four other ministers who were going through the same problems could be present. I have tried to address many of these issues in monthly and quarterly articles, and an occasional book, but the need for help is greater than these limited venues can match. This situation underscores a pervasive problem among the ministry. Even in our era of tell-all, spill-everything trend in communication, we still don’t. We don’t talk to each other.

One of our greatest needs is for a more effective forum in which people involved in the work of God can talk about sensitive issues without impunity. Writing is good, but even if someone wrote an article a day or a book a week, it would not be enough, nor can we schedule enough conferences to cover all the possibilities for needed discussions. At some point, we desperately need to return to Biblical principles of carrying one another’s burdens. Can we ever learn to open up and talk to each other? Why do we find this so difficult? Why does so much paranoia exist about transparent communication? What things must change in our minds and hearts before such a development can take place?

There’s an old story about three preachers who were out fishing together. One of them decided to use the occasion to confess a drinking problem. The second preacher, encouraged by the openness of his colleague to talk, confessed that he had misappropriated some church funds. The third preacher confessed that his biggest problem was gossiping---and he couldn’t wait until he got back to shore to make some phone calls. The next day, the community mourned the loss of a prominent clergyman in a tragic drowning accident!

The humor in this story, as in most good jokes, is that it painfully represents too much of the truth. Like these preachers, we would very much like to tell others what is really going on in our lives. We have deep needs that others may have solutions for---if we could only express ourselves to them. Whenever someone gets brave enough to break the code of silence, the consequences are overwhelming. Usually, we end up hedging, watering down, setting up hypothetical scenarios---or just keeping our mouths shut. I have identified at least ten reasons why we don’t open up to each other.

1. We are afraid of gossip. There seems to be very few people we trust enough to divulge our deepest secrets. Even close friends have leaked information that was shared with them confidentially. What ever happened to strong preaching against gossip? “ Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour: I am the LORD.” Leviticus 19:16. “ A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.” Proverbs 11:13. Matt Donnelly of Christianity Today says, “Gossip's main purpose is to spread misery. It's certainly not to build people up or minister to them in the name of Jesus. A gossip's wake is littered by damaged families and broken relationships: ‘A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.’” Proverbs 16:28.

Despite these blaring scriptural condemnations of gossip, too many people totally ignore the Bible and bear tales about their fellows. No sooner does a person confess a sin than his “confidant” is already engaged in a delicious mental debate about who to tell first. He may even jump ahead to speculate about dividing up the spoils and how the breaking news is going to play in the fellowship at large. Much more can—and should—be said about our poisonous propensity to gossip, but that’s only part of the problem.

2. We fear becoming a target. Only the most naïve among us think that everyone is looking out for our best interests. Experience has taught us that some people constantly seek to exploit the misfortunes of others. Once the slightest question arises about a person’s reputation or effectiveness as a leader, opportunists pounce on it with delight. This has become such a huge fear for some ministers that paranoia paralyzes them from seeking help for a personal problem. Rather than risk being shot at, many ministers retreat into stony silence. We have become conditioned to muddle on in ignorance, regardless of how ineffective and frustrated we become because we are certain that talking about our troubles will only jeopardize what little security we enjoy. After all, if talking about a problem leads to a bigger problem, it makes sense to keep quiet.

This tragic situation can only change when the ministerial body as a whole begins to live up to the highest ethical standards taught in the very bible we preach. The misstep of a brother or sister calls for sympathy and support, not the brutal Darwinian theory of the survival of the fittest. It seems sad that preachers need to be reminded of Galatians 6:1-2. “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” If we take aim at the target on a brother’s back, we need to remember that next time the bulls-eye may be painted our own back.

3. We want to protect our egos. It is shocking to know how far people will go to serve their pride. We ministers, for purely personal reasons, are especially loathe to reveal our weaknesses to anyone. While all of us would clearly benefit from honest disclosure of our inadequacies and failures, we cannot bring ourselves to suffer the embarrassment of such revelations. The closest we come to openness is to talk in general terms about our negatives, carefully tiptoeing around any information that would give us away. We have become very efficient in using the mechanisms of euphemisms, doublespeak, hedging, veiled references and blaming others, all to keep our egos intact. Losing face in society causes great pain.

The televangelist scandals of the last two decades rocked the world. Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Robert Dortch, Robert Tilton, and more recently, Ted Haggard, are some of the most prominent of these ministers, and they confessed their lurid escapades in books, magazine articles and interviews. They provided gory details about their initial temptations, how and why they hid their double lives from others, and the cavalier attitudes that eventually led to their ruin. What lessons were gleaned from their downfall? Few, it seems. In evangelical and Pentecostal circles, for example, where the events should have fostered more candid attitudes among leaders about their humanness, ministers became more closed-mouthed than ever. Even public tragedies cannot derail our efforts to preserve our egos. We just don’t want to look weak.

4. We fear we will ruin our public image. Aside from the personal motivations to hide our problems from others, we are also extremely cognizant of the shipwreck such exposure would make of our careers. Damaged goods don’t sell well in the Christian marketplace. Deacons, elders, church staff, choir members and church people in general rarely take kindly to a pastor who experiences major difficulties in his personal life. The same people who fawn over a pastor today can easily turn into his worst enemies tomorrow. We take a calculated risk in keeping our mouths shut and suffering inner pain instead of opening up and losing the farm.

5. Information may come back to haunt us. For many ministers, years of relative calm may have passed by before some problem they thought was safely buried in the past suddenly resurrects for the world to see. Fear of a ghost reappearing out of the past has a deleterious effect on a troubled individual over the span of a career. It steals many potential victories from them and causes them to make many convoluted and inconvenient decisions. Many ministers live far below their capabilities, choosing to remain in relative anonymity rather than risk discovery. In addition, unresolved issues are responsible for great emotional pain for a long period of time that other people knew nothing about.

6. Others may lose confidence in us. Most ministers do not have skeletons in their closets that they fear will be found out, but they may have well-hidden doubts, weaknesses and frightening thoughts that churn within them. If they mention these things in conversation and belie their humanness, however, their peer group may start to question their loyalty, their convictions, their faith or their conscience, and they suddenly create a mountain of trouble for themselves. Most of us do not feel free to express our inner thoughts to each other. What we may not know is that other ministers may share the same misgivings, but, because we do not talk about them, we close off the possibility of enlightenment. Too often, questions are not seen as honest attempts to find answers, but as indications that a person is weak or lacks integrity.

7. We fear being disloyal or breaking a confidence. Failure to talk to each other may often be a function of concern for the welfare of a fellow minister than it is a selfish motive. Regardless of what one has done, there are those among us who refuse to point the finger of blame at a friend. Many of us value loyalty to a friend above the integrity of the body. There are few things that cause such inner agony as the decision to expose a friend for wrong doing. This tendency exists throughout society, i.e., families, policemen, professional groups, lodge brotherhoods, athletes, to name a few. We believe that if one of us is defamed, all of us suffer. Indeed, it is very difficult to argue against this sentiment. Also, for many ministers, it involves ethics. If we give our word that we will keep a confidence, then we believe we should be true to that vow, regardless of the circumstances.

8. We fear being misunderstood. As a matter of fact, most disagreements may be traced back to misunderstandings. Word choice, syntax, tone of voice, colloquialisms, moods, hearing problems, environmental conditions and other forms of interference lead to misunderstandings between people. If the consequences are small, we can laugh it off. It is more difficult, however, to laugh off something that involves a person’s character or ministry. How many times have we pondered whether or not to raise a subject in conversation and then decided not to say anything for fear of being misunderstood? And, even when we preface our remarks by saying, “Please don’t misunderstand me, but…” we usually plan on being taken wrong anyway. Again, the safest way is to keep our mouths shut. As President Calvin Coolidge once said, “ I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”

9. We don’t think it is our place. Our society no longer accepts opinions from people just because they happen to be our elders or people in authority. Unless we have a direct stake in someone’s life, we have learned to keep our opinions to ourselves. Unfortunately, this often works to our disadvantage. When we see someone making a huge mistake, or when we see certain danger on the horizon, we look the other way instead of issuing them a warning. Sometimes we try to tell people indirectly about a foolish decision or a wrong action, but it doesn’t always work. We end up standing on the sidelines and witnessing a tragedy rather than sticking our nose in someone else’s business. Many train wrecks happen just because no one felt comfortable in waving the red flag.

10. We don’t know how. It’s not that we don’t know how to talk at all. Most of us know very well how to run our mouths! It’s that we don’t know how to talk about delicate or sensitive matters in a productive way. In awkward situations, we tend to get shy. We wait for all the “right” elements to fall into place: the right time, the right place, the right people, the right setting, etc. I wonder how many people who were going through agonizing ordeals have longed for someone to say something, but, beyond some hurried or strained greetings, no one wanted to broach the subject. It’s not that we intend to ignore someone’s grief. We either lack the communication skills needed to talk or the temerity to risk the conversation.

Regardless of the reasons why we don’t talk to each other, my experience has taught me that breaking the ice in a situation where people are not talking usually ends up being a positive thing. The keys to productive communication are to truly listen to people, to hold judgment in abeyance, to strip away emotional baggage, to strive for accuracy and to possess an overarching interest in the spiritual welfare of the person with whom you are speaking. If people can read genuine love in our motive for the conversation, at the very least the possibility looms large that great good can be done. It is time for the ministry to free itself up to talk without fear of reprisal, even about awkward matters. It would be a healthy step in the right direction for all of us.