The Life and Death of Liberals

For those who have the stomach for it, take a look at all the things liberals want. I hope and pray that this is a spoof piece.

• They want to stop us from eating chicken, beef, venison, fish and all other meat.
• They want to prohibit us from eating any fatty, unhealthy foods.
• They want to eliminate sports utility vehicles from the road.
• They want to set the agenda for all sex education in the country.
• They want to determine what goes on in the lives of American homes and families.
• They want to penalize marriage partners through imposing higher taxes on them.
• They want to supply drug addicts with clean needles.
• They want to do away with all competitive sports.
• They want industries to be one-hundred percent pollution-free or be shut down.
• They want absolutely no more nuclear power plants to be built.
• They want to ban all firearms, thus rescinding the Second Amendment by fiat.
• They want to force parents to accept a homosexual as their kid’s Boy Scout Leader.
• They want to run the national health care system.
• They want to continue legal infanticide through partial-birth abortion.
• They want to give doctors authority to euthanize the elderly, terminally ill and profoundly retarded. They want men and women to use the same unisex restrooms.
• They want to minimize or abolish the differences between the sexes.
• They want to severely limit the internal combustion engine.
• They want tree-cutting to be illegal except when they say it can be done.
• They want to impose strict environmental regulations on all private property.
• They want to wipe out as many Christian holidays as possible.
• They want to strip all quotations or mentions of the Bible from public life.
• They want to impugn the founding fathers as sexists, bigots and racists.
• They want salary caps on all workers in the management sector.
• They want guaranteed wages, set at arbitrary rates, for all blue-collar workers.
• They want to reward able-bodied non-workers with all the amenities of life.
• They want to filter all speech through politically correct standards dictated by liberals.
• They want to deny due process to any male accused of a sexual offense.
• They want everyone to wear seat belts and have airbags installed even if it kills them.
• They want to turn the military into a gigantic social experiment.
• They want the U. S. Constitution to be continually adapted to modern liberal ideals.
• They want to make it impossible for us to take risks or hurt ourselves.
• They want to prevent us from wearing fur or animal skins.
• They want to stop all drilling for oil.
• They want to stop all mining for coal.
• They want to ban cell phones so no one can get brain cancer.
• They want to prohibit any more exploration for minerals underground.
• They want to eliminate the use of any pesticides, herbicides or agricultural chemicals.
• They want to guarantee that no more species will become extinct, regardless of human cost.
• They want to stop all bad thoughts through hate-crimes legislation.
• They want to ban toy guns, plastic knives and menacing looks.
• They want to punish any six-year old from kissing a classmate on the cheek during recess.
• They want to redistribute the wealth among the citizenry from haves to have-nots.
• They want to know everything about Americans through invasive census schemes.
• They want to regulate the amount of water we use through limited-capacity toilets.
• They want to know who belongs to a church that federal agencies think may be a threat.
• They want to spy on us through cameras and bugging devices in restrooms or intersections.
• They want to control trash disposal by forcing us to recycle.
• They want us to fund their propaganda campaigns like NPR and NEA through our taxes.
• They want taxpayers to fund public education they don’t use or agree with.
• They want to deny vouchers to taxpayers to pay for education that they do use and agree with.

This only marks the beginning. Industry by industry, neighborhood by neighborhood, liberals boast innumerable ideas for change. All these curtailments on individual freedoms are either already on the books as law or in the hopper for future legislation. In their quest for a perfect existence, the liberal establishment has succeeded far beyond even their own wildest dreams. They are supremely confident that they can continue on toward their goals. If none of this bothers you, it’s only because they haven’t come down your street—-yet. Keep on ignoring their progress, and laugh off the protests of others who’ve had their freedoms stolen, and they will get to you, eventually. We’d like to help you when that happens, but we’ll probably be dead, broke or in jail.

Based upon the liberal agenda, imagine a world where they actually get what they’ve always wanted. Will they all die from glee or from depression when they understand that they can’t have more? No. They will die from the consequences of their own policy enactments. Let’s follow it out to the logical conclusion.

When liberals wake up in their fantasy world, surrealism surrounds and suffocates them. It is a cold, dark world because there are no power plants to generate electricity for heat and light. They are hungry, but there is nothing legal to eat. At least, they think, they don’t have to worry about feeding forty or fifty extra million people because abortion took care of that. But, hunger pains persist so they’ve got to find breakfast. The meager non-radiated, no-preservatives-added food they manage to find is spoiled or diseased. They can’t drive to the state grocery store because cars can’t run without nasty internal combustion engines or dirty gasoline to burn in them. They start out walking to the nearest store but without leather shoes or petroleum-based, synthetic soles, their feet quickly get sore. When they finally arrive at the commercial section of town, most of the supermarkets are be defunct because zero profit margins forced them to go belly-up. The only open store has run out of permissible food like tofu and seaweed.

Liberals try to decide what to do next, but packs of protected wolves that roam the streets don’t allow too much time for anyone think. When they hear the howls, they run to climb trees, which, thanks to them, are in great abundance. As they scamper up the trees, they do have some fear that they will be arrested for tree-harassment. But they have no alternative. They perch high up on branches, looking down with sympathy and fascination into the cold, gray eyes, the frothy snarls and the marvelous fangs that liberals saved from the evil hunters. Suddenly, some bears, whose population has also burgeoned, come charging into the area. The wolves scatter, bringing momentary relief to the liberals’ mind. Unfortunately, bears climb trees too.

Now what? Their minds begin to churn. It’s a good thing they banned all guns or they might, in this weak moment, be tempted to commit animalicide, now judged to be a worse crime than homicide, cruelly blowing the bears away with twelve-gauge shotguns. Forget the cops coming to their rescue because they are out on patrol, arresting rednecks or macho males who don’t wear seat belts. (Well, actually there are no cars to stop any more, but union contracts guarantee that troopers can still patrol abandoned highways.) Also, all the firefighters are out making sure that mandatory alarm systems, smoke detectors, sprinkler systems and fire extinguishers installed in buildings made with 100% fireproof materials in the first place are in good working order.

Then, a brilliant idea electrifies their minds. Call the criminals! They still have guns. But, wait. They know if the crooks come to rescue them, it will cost them their Rolex watches, Platinum credit cards, diamond rings and maybe even their off-shore bank accounts in Montana. But, desperation demands that they call them anyway. They then realize that they have a major problem. Cell phones had been banned some time ago. They are be comforted by the thought that they won’t have to suffer from brain cancer. What’s more, if they did incur cancer, they are glad that they don’t have to face the unpleasant prospect of long lines and waiting lists for government hospitals. In the end, they resign themselves to forced euthanasia.

Oh well, bears have to eat too.  Recycled organs, anyone?  Aren’t vultures magnificent creatures?

No Salute, Mr. Paton

(A letter to the Editor, March 11, 1997, after it was revealed that a stay at the White House was used as a fundraiser.)

It’s over.

The one thing we had left in America was our sense of history. We stood in awe at White House tours. We drank in the furnishings, the walls, the carpets where renowned statesmen (remember that word?) paced back and forth, wrestling with grave decisions. We marveled at the dignified simplicity of the Washington monument, choked back tears at Gettysburg, and reverenced Jefferson’s memorial.

No more. In the eloquent words of Richard Paton, the Blade’s editorial director, “Let’s hear no more maudlin sentimentalism about how the White House is the nation’s house, and that charging people to sleep there is an affront. We pay to sleep at every other hotel, and pay for coffee at every other restaurant.”

So when’s the blinking neon sign going up? Are the credit card decals stuck to the windows yet? $50,000 limits are possible. How about the McDonald’s and Coke ads strapped to the wrought iron fence? Come to think about it, why not just level the old ramshackle place and put up something more accommodating, more energy efficient, and modern? After all, it’s just a pile of worthless bricks and crumbling mortar.

And why not bulldoze Arlington National Cemetery? Developers would drool over a golf course lined with expensive condos, complete with an amusement park, a covered mall and a recreation complex. That will be worth a lot more than a bunch of bones and a gauche display of nationalism at the ceremonial changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier.

You say that’s being ridiculous? Oh, take your maudlin sentimentalism somewhere else. We now know that there is absolutely nothing sacred anymore. Sacred and faith no longer go in the same sentence. Sacred and the unborn child don’t either. Now sacred and history have passed into obsolescence as well. Thank God we never did put sacred and editorial writers in the same sentence. Maybe we should salute Mr. Paton for enlightening us.

… Nah.

The likes of Richard Paton ought never to write in defense of historical values or preservationist views. They ought never to express outrage at graverobbers, church arsons, or the proposed demolitions of all the Valentine Theaters in the world. We have no past worth preserving or respecting.

I’m worried that we don’t have much of a future either.

Junior High Journalism 101

Methods for Modern Mediacracy

I am so appalled at the barefaced propaganda that passes for journalism today that I have tried here to articulate the rules that evidently guides current politically-driven reporting. I apologize to Junior High journalism students for the negative aspersions, but they do not know any better. The sorry reporters that daily insult the intelligence of average adults know exactly what they are doing.

1. If you dislike what an opponent says or does, but you must maintain an air of objectivity, quote his enemy.
2. Deliberately misquote an opponent and apologize later in small print.
3. If an opponent gives an hour-long speech, there are 3000 to 6000 words to report on. It should be easy to select something that will make him look bad.
4. Re-define any ambiguous terms your opponent uses to subtly change his meaning.
5. If your opponent’s speech is really good, ignore it and report on anything negative about his person that you know or can dig up.
6. Print unflattering pictures of your opponent whenever available.
7. Whenever possible, create a situation which draws your opponent into controversy.
8. Become skilled in the use of value-laden synonyms which have strong positive or negative connotations. Use the positive word for persons and situations you support; negative words for persons and situations you oppose.

9. Situation              Positive Word     Negative Word
   Facial expression   Smile                        Sneer
   Sitting posture       Relaxed                   Slumped
   Demeanor             Confident                 Defiant
   Tone of Voice        Clear                        Cutting
   Appearance          Well-groomed           Dressed out
   Mood                     Playful                     Impish
   Stumped               Thoughtful               Stalling
   Astute Remarks    Intelligent                Rehearsed
   Composed             Prepared                 Scripted

10. If your opponent has reversed his position, show how he waivers.
11. If he has not reversed his position, point out his intransigence.
12. Report on any unsavory associates of your opponent’s.
13. Question the motives of your opponent, regardless of how benign the situation may be.
14. Since you know that the headline is more important than the story, pick something negative about the story and put it in the headline, even though the story does not warrant it or even contradicts it.
15. When you cannot possibly ignore something good your opponent does, overpower it by printing something positive about your ally.
16. Never print a picture of your opponent when you have an opportunity to print one of an ally.
17. Since the position of a story or a picture on a page is very important, reserve the top right on an odd page and top left on an even page for stories about your allies.
18. In an interview, bait your opponent with inflammatory or calculated words that will translate well into damaging sound bites.
19. Question every fact cited by your opponent as though it is trumped up, even if you know it to be true. E.g., “he claimed that the sky was blue.”
20. When an opponent seems to be winning an argument, change subjects quickly.
21. Always test your opponent’s temper. Something will anger him, and when it does, you have your story.
22. Never forget that you have the power to describe any situation that seems to be strictly a news item according to your own agenda and ideology.
23. Never let your opponent define terms or truth for you.
24. Make people guess whose side you are on. You have a 50% or better chance of fooling them.
25. Feel absolutely good and justified by your slanted reporting because, in your heart, you really know you are right anyway and your opponent is wrong.

Guess Who’s Going To Heaven?

(A little piece I wrote in response to the execution of terrorist Timothy McVeigh.)

Life is just chocked full of surprises, isn’t it? Take the matter of going to heaven. I just found out that Tim McVeigh is “absolutely in heaven,” according to a local Terre Haute clergyman. Yep. An hour or so before he delivered his defiant stare to his bombing victims’ relatives and felt the lethal injection needle puncture his skin, he asked for a certain prayer to be said. Voila! From an unrepentant mass murderer to a sainted seraph; from the man guilty of the worst act of terrorism in history committed by an American on American soil, to instantaneous celestial bliss. You do have to admit that it is more than a little surprising.

I guess Tim is right up there tooling around the streets of gold with Judas Iscariot. You did know about him, didn’t you? Yeah. I learned this bit of news a few days ago. It seems that Judas suffered some kind of delusional syndrome and he really hadn’t been himself that last week or so before he consorted with the enemy camp, betrayed the guileless Jesus with a kiss on the cheek and sold him for thirty pieces of silver. I am told that history has unfairly painted Judas with a traitor’s brush, conveniently making him the scapegoat for the crucifixion. His distraught condition drove him to become a suicide victim, certainly punishment enough for his innocent mistake. Not wanting to add insult to injury, God had enough grace to ignore his own word and admit Judas into heaven.

Now, I haven’t fully confirmed that the following people have actually made it to “the sunny banks of sweet deliverance,” but early indicators point in that direction. Adolf Hitler, the mad paper-hanger who inadvertently got caught up in his “Final Solution” thing which resulted in the death of six million Jews will most likely be there. (I mean, after all, he was fighting this huge war which probably was a major distraction and prevented him from thinking straight.) Joseph Stalin, the communist leader who ordered the massacre of millions, will undoubtedly make it. His motive was to assist the noble experiment of communism to succeed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, is already there. (If I’m not mistaken, that has been confirmed.) With the likes of Nero, Herod, Genghis Kahn, Pol Pot, Al Capone, Pretty Boy Floyd, and a gaggle of other tyrannical, butcher, mobster, rapist and crazed killer types, heaven could turn out to be a much different place than I had always imagined. (A city jail? The ACLU? Lawyers?)

Even more surprising may be New Jerusalem’s register of missing persons. I thought it was a given that the Apostle Paul would make it, but some think he was too much of a sexist, authoritarian homophobe to gain admission. Apostle Peter, the designated gatekeeper almost secured his place because he stood against racism, but later lost out when he dared to write about his radical views on oppression of women. King David had an outside chance, but he couldn’t overcome his record for waging for-profit and for-vengeance wars. He tried to slip in on his blood relationship to the occupant of the throne, but nepotism is frowned upon in heaven.

And then, there are the poor, duped masses who died while actually thinking that faith in Christ, submission to God, obedience to the Bible, faithfulness, honesty, personal holiness, sacrifice and walking in the Spirit were important factors in going to heaven. Too bad they didn’t understand the real character traits that God measures before granting acceptance. Tolerance, flexible principles, multiculturalism, universal affirmation of all religions, obeisance to Mother Earth and other demonstrations of a fully evolved conscience speak much more to one’s worthiness of karma, i.e. heaven, than all the silly twentieth century pietistic notions put together.

I hope nobody drowns in these drippings of sarcasm, but I am appalled at the barefaced disfigurement of Bible truths. Heaven is not a general philosophical ideal. The New Age, PC crowd didn’t invent it. Neither can these same sacrilegious interlopers redefine the criteria for entering in. God’s Heaven is a prepared place for a prepared people. “And there shall in no wise enter into it any thing that defileth, neither whatsoever worketh abomination, or maketh a lie: but they which are written in the Lamb’s book of life.” Revelation 21:27. Of course, God stands alone as the final judge of all who enter heaven, but he is eternally committed to fulfill his Word. Certainly, one provision cannot be changed, that which Jesus told Nicodemus: “Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.” John 3:5

Heaven belongs to God. He alone can tell us how to get there, and he has provided all the information we need in his Word. The Bible takes the “guess” out of going to heaven.