(Introductory note: I do not write this little piece for me, but for all those who struggle with low self-esteem. It’s time to get some perspective.)
Tyrants and cowards, homicidal maniacs and suicide victims, clowns and grinches, life-of-the-party types and loners, fierce competitors and couch potatoes—what do they all have in common? Low self-esteem. Not in every case, of course, but much more than one might suspect. The need to be liked, the search for significance, the craving for recognition and the quest for popularity drive behaviors, actions and reputations. Nothing can be everything. If you believe you are nothing without other people noticing you, then everything you do will be a function of that perception.
Maybe I’m being too clinical or philosophical. Let’s try a different tack. If you think I don’t like you, you will either punish me or patronize me. Your actions toward me reveal that you are not really interested in me, but in my affection (or lack thereof) for you. You’re like a cue ball whose only purpose is force others to move in a certain direction or to bounce off the circumstances in order to gain a favorable position. With no inner peace or self-acceptance, you live by comparing yourself to others in your universe. You either want to be loved or feared.
If I want you to like me, I will spend money on you (even if I ostensibly spend money on myself, I’m really trying to manipulate you into liking me.) If I want you to like me, I will praise you, affirm you or agree with you even if I am not sincere about it. If I want you to like me, I may try to make you jealous, envious, or unduly interested in me. If I want you to like me, I may overwork, overspend, overachieve or overcommit to impress you. I may attempt feats that I am not qualified for, I may do things I despise or am terrified to do, I may join causes for which I have no real affinity, and I may befriend your friends in order to get an inroad into your heart. In short, I become a fake person to capture your affection.
On the flip side of the coin, if after all I’ve done, you fail to like me, I will make you pay for your mistake. I consider you to be responsible, in part or in whole, for my miserable low self-esteem. It’s obvious that I would be a much better person if only you would like me. Consequently, I may lie on you, gossip about you, impugn your character and unfairly criticize you. I may entrap you, defraud you, swindle you or mock you because you deserve it. I may try to create chaos in your world, cause problems in your family or workplace or disrupt the peace in your neighborhood. Depending on the intensity of my feelings, I may actually try to physically harm you. If I can’t get to you personally, I may attack something or someone who symbolizes or represents you. I am driven by my obsession for your love.
If all else fails, I will hurt myself in order to punish you. I may totally drop out of life and become a failure to teach you a lesson. I may commit a crime or do something heinous to embarrass or mortify you. I may attempt suicide by gun, knife, rope, jumping off a bridge or overdosing on pills. If I’m too scared to do any of those things, I may try suicide by cop or oncoming traffic. The world may not realize it, but you and I will know that you killed me. You caused my misery.
You would be wise to take a second look at historical events. The precipitation of wars, the genocidal tragedies in the world, the horrific mass shootings, acts of arson that set millions of acres on fire, devastating bombs planted in public places, assassination of political figures, inquisitions, destructive pograms and witch trials may have been executed by people with low self-esteem. It may never be documented how much suffering and sorrow have been perpetrated by seekers of affection or recognition. The gigantic wheels of history have often been turned by small, individual needs.
You may be tempted to think that narcissism rather than low self-esteem causes these aberrant behaviors. It may surprise you to note, however, that the two are intrinsically related. Here’s what the Mayo Clinic says:
“Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
“A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.” https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
This is precisely why I value the gospel of Jesus Christ above all other truths of life. This is where Christ’s love becomes most relevant to the human condition. The love of Jesus for each individual infuses the salvation message. His love is total, unconditional and eternal. His love does not regard beauty, handsomeness, age, intelligence, wealth, pedigree, education or race. His love is pure, personal and redemptive. His love dives down to the lowest degree, affects the core personality and suffers the most ignominious resistance. His love was affirmed by His ministry, demonstrated by His cross and validated by his resurrection. The deeper belief in Christ goes, the more thoroughly His deity is embraced, and the more faithfully his precepts are followed, the less issues of self-esteem dominate behavior.
The Love of God
The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell
It goes beyond the highest star
And reaches to the lowest hell
The guilty pair, bowed down with care
God gave His Son to win
His erring child He reconciled
And pardoned from his sin
Could we with ink the ocean fill
And were the skies of parchment made
Were every stalk on earth a quill
And every man a scribe by trade
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry
Nor could the scroll contain the whole
Though stretched from sky to sky
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song