Initiation ceremonies are now in session. All those who have birth passes stating that your parents had permission to conceive and produce you may now stand. Have your papers ready and extend your right hand for scanning.
You, sir. What rights do you apply for?
What? Freedom to bear arms? <sigh> I take it you are something of a comedian. In this setting, your humor is not appreciated. You should know by now that you may only use state-owned and state-issued firearms if you are assigned to a body guard attachment to protect liberal bureaucrats. That takes years of training. Have you applied for this training? No? Well, step back in line and we will deal with you later.
Excuse me? What did you say? Second amendment? My patience is wearing thin. The second amendment was eliminated by the Supreme Court back in 2012, under his Lordship, Barack Obama. What planet have you been living on? It sounds like you have been corrupted by a war-mongering father or grandfather. Probably one of those Neanderthal Bushies. Do I need to send you back to training classes? Okay. Enough.
Ma’am. What rights do you wish to have? Freedom of speech, hmmm? Well, let’s see. Let me take a look at your papers here. Oooohh. This is a problem. Religion classes? Constitutional studies? And, AND…do I see here that you graduated from a private Christian school? Uh-uh. Nope. Can’t do it. You are going to be redirected into geriatric studies and be assigned to your choice of five nursing homes.
What do you mean we are restricting your freedom? Young lady, I told you I was giving you a choice of facility in which you could work! Consider yourself fortunate. Yesterday, I didn’t give anybody that kind of leeway.
Bailiff, where did we get this crop of rednecks today? Unbelievable.
Okay, guy. You’re next. Rights application papers, please. Freedom of the press, huh? So, you’re a writer? Well, let’s look at your credentials. Hey, I’m impressed. Ivy League. No military service…not even ROTC. Good. Students for Democratic Action. Get Out the Vote recruiter. Oh, what’s this? Arrested for disorderly conduct? Pro-Choice parade scuffle with police? Heh, heh. You little rascal. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Heh, heh! No problem. Happened to me twice when I was your age. Tell me, did you get a good crack on those pigs? You did? Good, good. Hey, where do you want to go? Openings at the New York Times, Washington Post, Time Magazine, Rolling Stone…take your pick. Mother Jones? I think we can work that out. Write away, my little friend. Write away!
(Wow. Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that everybody used to have all these rights and freedoms just by getting born in the LSA, formerly USA. How stupid was that? That little punk over there would have been able to pack heat anywhere he wanted. Turns my stomach to think that people like that were running around the country a few short years ago. It was total chaos. And to think that that mindless skirt standing there would have been able to say whatever drivel dribbled out of her 1776 mouth. What did they do with the dangerous stuff she would have had the freedom to spew out on society? Capitalism? Free enterprise? Private property? Constitutional rights? Right to life? Now those were dangerous times! It’s a good thing we got control over these idiots. Oh, I’m sure that those founding fathers—slaveholders, bigots, capitalists though they were—still had good motives. They just didn’t have the foresight to know that the rank-and-file citizen out there couldn’t handle all that freedom. Nice thought, but totally unworkable. It’s far easier for people of my caliber and understanding to assign appropriate freedoms to deserving people—-and keep the savants from having them. It’s one reason why I don’t believe in God. If God exists, he sure made a mess of things. Actually, I should say that I do believe in God…God does exist, and I am he. Ha!)