ThoughtShades - Journal

Helping Families Achieve God’s Design

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:32

(This outline was part of a seminar presented to the church in 2006.)

Our culture, as a whole, has long understood that families form the building blocks for society. I have observed that in the church, families provide a critical component of the strength and longevity of a congregation. In a very real sense, strong families are the infrastructure of the church operation. The family unit, however, has never been in greater danger in history than it is today. Apostolic people cannot afford to shrug off this crisis. We need to become proactive in understanding, modeling and training family values for our constituents.

Let us begin by going straight to the pressure points that trouble many families today. This involves looking at the sources of family conflict, how these conflicts break out into open war, the awful emotional costs that conflicts bring about, the dysfunctional results of conflicts and why it will all get worse if nothing is done to counter the damage. We will wrap it up by showing a better way to resolve family conflicts. Few things are more difficult in life than family intervention. Yet, if we do not do something, we will witness the demise of the most important social unit known to man.

Conflict: Why are you fighting?

Money
Relationships
Discipline of children
Decisions
Habits/Behaviors
Lifestyles
Philosophies/beliefs

External Consequences: Open War

Shouting matches
Constant bickering
Extreme language/gestures/threats
Tension without talking
Preaching/nagging without response
Physical conflict/Destruction of property
Leaving/Escaping
Retaliatory actions: (i.e. tattoos, body piercings, bizarre behaviors, etc.)

Internal Consequences: Emotional costs.

Anger
Depression
Fear
Hatred/Revulsion
Guilt
Insecurity

Dysfunctional results: Now, we’re in a real mess.

THIS IS WHAT USUALLY BRINGS THE PROBLEM TO THE SURFACE!

Nervous breakdown/Psychosomatic symptoms
Resign yourself to live with the problem (martyrdom)
Co-dependency
Drinking/smoking/drugs
Overeating/overspending
Affairs
Pornography/promiscuity
Gambling
Divorce/emotional divorce/separation
Workaholism
Extreme involvement in sports, hobbies, social/church work

Complications from results: It only gets worse.

Improper solutions develop into primary problems
Improper solutions postpone the inevitable showdown
Invention of appropriate storylines to cover up real problems
Destruction of the family

There is a better way!

The family talk

This is not spontaneous. It is planned, organized and necessary.
Set a time (be flexible)
Set the frequency (three to five times a week)
Find a place (be comfortable)
Include as many as want to participate (extended family too)

Set the rules

Each person can talk (crying, shouting is okay)
Discussion is okay, but talking back is not allowed
You may challenge another person (disagree, point out fault, etc.)
A challenge cannot be answered for twenty-four hours
The session is not over until all agree to end it
Affirm someone when they say something courageous and honest.
Everyone must say I love you after they share with the group.

You want us to do what? Answering objections

My family won’t do it. (Require attendance, voluntary participation)
It won’t work with my family.
You haven’t tried it.
You don’t want it to work.
You are projecting your own surmising of failure onto the family.
We don’t have time
You have time to fight, escape, sulk, do your hobbies, etc.
You will find time for separation, divorce, custody battles, etc.

The CHR Method (Courage, Honesty, Respect)

Courage
The courage to confess your faults
The courage to confront other family members
The courage to express your feelings
The courage to face your problems
Honesty
Honesty in self-analysis
Honesty is expressing all your feelings, thoughts, opinions
Honesty in responding to criticism (no defensiveness, anger, etc.)
Respect
Do everything in the atmosphere of respect.
Do not react emotionally to things you disagree with.
Respect the other person’s feelings. Feelings are real.

What are you going to talk about? (From Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend)

Catching the Virus: Letting the attitude of parents affect your marriage.
Second Fiddle: Failure to leave mother or father emotionally.
May I have my allowance, please?

Financial irresponsibility.
Depending on parents to support lavish lifestyle.

Mom, where are my socks?:

Perpetual child syndrome.
Enmeshed family.

Three’s a crowd:

Triangulation
Turning to an uninvolved third person for comfort and validation.

Who’s the child here, anyway?:

Codependency
Taking care of the irresponsible parent.

But I’m your brother: Irresponsible siblings.